Musings from a Father in the Crosshairs of life on the edge of madness

Stress, a revelation

2010-09-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

I can affect the stress levels in my life. *YAY*

Ok, for some of you, you have to know that this is a no-brainer kinda thing, of course a person can affect the stress levels in their own life... Why wouldn't they be able to?

Well, here's some reasons why we can't...

1- the unconscious feeling of need. You need to be connected, you need to be available, you need to be responsible, etc, etc. Hands up, how many of you feel like this?

Here's a starter lesson:

On a more serious note however, Several things have come to me on how I am stressing out myself... and what to do about them. Because I am supposed to be working here however, I'll be back later to work the details of this out, and to reduce stress, I'm going to focus on work rather than screwing around doing this stuff.

Until Later
PDOC

I thought I was over being sick

2010-09-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

As the title indicates, I did think I was over being sick, but here I sit, short of breath, flushed, and having trouble focusing. I think I am going to have to clean up the kitchen, and them move the computer to the living room, where I can work with the boys around, and keep an eye on them...

Let me go start the dishes and get the laundry folded, then I'll get back to you.

well, it's hours later now (like three hours) and I've finally finished the dishes, the sun has come out, and the boys are outside playing on their bikes. My wife has finally recovered and is awake ish, she called in sick today. She's now peeling pears, and I have to go clean up the side deck and probably get to dealing with Firewood. There's a whole pile of kindling as well as what I'd say is 3/4 of a cord of hardwood waiting to be split and dried ...

And now, it's almost one in the afternoon, what a fractured day. To top it off, I could cheerfully go back to bed right now, kids and all, it's just irritating me and I want to be alone.

Anyhow, enough of my whining, what's your Sunday like?

Where do I go from here?

2010-09-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

Recovering from having one helluva head cold,

today was a good day, kinda. One of the older fellows at church died, that sucks. But I got a good deal accomplished in spite of my sickness.

There is now a moderate pile of wood in the driveway, unfortunately I have to split and pile it yet, but it's here at least. (I'd put a picture of it her but it's dark and my camera don't do well in the dark, if I remember tomorrow I"ll post one)

Helped wife's grandparent's move, and made commitment to move last couple of things for them shortly, (next couple of days or so, but it'll be on a day when I'm already going to SA for Work...

Other than that, my beautiful and moderately pregnant wife is learning how to operate on Ubuntu, slowly, she's now playing a game she found, and actually likes.

I guess that means that smelly me has to go have a shower, and get to bed... I'll get up in the morning and do the writing I wanted to do... I hope.

Dan.

Pursuing Excellence?

2010-09-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

I think you must have me confused with somebody else. I'm not perfect, and to strive for it is sheer insanity, madness I tell you. umm... What I was talking about?

Oh right. Day two of being sick, and the last day I can afford to take off work for it. I am sitting here, my wife just left with both boys for her first ultra-sound scan of the newest coming member of the family. and I am supposed to be resting... Well, if anybody else out there sees the flaw in this, please let me know I'm not alone.

Resting, yeah, not. The dishes need done, there's about sixty pounds of pears on the counter to get canned tonight, I should clean up the living room, and then there's the writing thing that I was doing for recreating that got serious.

I do wonder how they're making out over there, seeing as nothing visible has changed in a few days, and the whole interface is down right now even facebook is offline.

I dunno, really. I guess I'll leave the whole thing alone for a day or three, then see what's happening. They said they're hoping to roll out to myspace soon, as well as several other networks, Bebo and other places like that, Hi5 comes to mind.

Regardless. I think the point I was trying to make here was quite simply, what happens when our social crutches fall away? When facebook, or heaven forbid, even the entire internet go offline? How about the warm fuzzy feeling we have because the electricity works every day? What happens when such systems fail? How strongly does it affect us and the people around us? Do you panic when these kind of things go down? Or are you the type that just shrugs and gets on with the other work that needs done?

Personally, I thought I was the latter, but now it appears that I am not. It looks like I am the former, I seem to be at loose ends when the server goes offline, even though I have loads of other stuff to do, showering and dishes seem to be foremost in my mind. Excuse me while I go get something to eat and get to work. Until later, when my brain has recovered from the double shock of medication and facebook failure.

Dan Casey.

I'yse id sthiick

2010-09-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

Yup. It's the annual, I id sick day. or three or whatever.

I want sweets, and that's the last thing I need, I want food, but don't know what kind, other than sweets, I've taken meds, but they don't seem to be helping, and apparently I seem to have forgotten how to form correct sentences rather than these run on one's I'm using today.

I guess that's about it. I'm going to put some work clothes on, sweat a little unloading the truck, and then probably back inside to rest some more...

later.
Dan.

Thinking, always a distraction from the needs of a life well lived

2010-09-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

Warning, Mind turned loose on it's own, no adult supervision available at this point...

Yesterday was a bad day. And a good one. I am not sure how to patch things up with my wife, she's likely going to wake up mad at me, but such is life... *sigh* I need to take care of me, but her needs are so much _louder_ than mine.

Anyhow, her chief complaint yesterday was that I wasn't sensitive or compassionate enough towards her, and oddly enough I was feeling the same way about her towards me, no compassion, no consideration, etc, etc... So naturally we ended up arguing. Problem with this is that when she argues, she feels heard and feels better. I end up getting migraines, severe anxiety attacks, and really (I mean REALLY) seriously screwed up mentally, to the point of black thoughts of despair and suicide. Now, I know what's going to be said here, she tells me all the time.

That's not her fault, I need to find professional help... Yeah, been there done that, still doing it, and over and over and over. Thing is, unless I completely divorce myself from her emotionally I am unable to maintain my mental stability around her, because she's not going to change, and doesn't care enough about us to bother seeing things from any perspective aside from the one she's currently holding. She won't consider our world aside from her overwhelming needs and requirements, my feelings and my issues are not to be considered, (at least not until all of hers are dealt with). Sorry if this sounds like frustration coming out, but it is frustration. I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling, and how to approach what I am starting to feel is an impossible situation with no resolution...

Sigh, back to work, I'll be back later on to continue. Thanks for reading this far...

Associations

2010-09-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, I know I just dumped a whole pile of crap on here, personal issues, well not really, more like an expose of emotional interactions. Regardless.

I have to share this moment. Have you ever just had a momentary flash of a memory that was so overwhelming that your current reality was subsumed and completely obscured by the triggered memory?

I just took a sip of a freshly poured cup of coffee, and in that moment, as the hot coffee washed over my tough and tingled down my throat, I was smelling the marsh, the campfires and the horse dung from a point in my history. Several (like more than ten) years ago I attended an SCA event called Golden Swan in Oliver BC, and the cool morning air, the bustle of campers getting ready to eat, the clank of fighters armoring up for battle, it was all more real than the office I am sitting in right now.

I am not sure what point I am trying to make here, but I had to share.

Until later.

Dan.

One of -Those- days

2010-09-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Morning,

It's now 9:55am on a Tuesday. I was up half of the night, overslept and arrived at work 18 minutes late. First bad thing. Since that point, I've had three calls from my wife, who is having a less than perfect day with the boys. To hear her tell it, it's purgatory, and they were sent to torment her until she does something drastic or worse.

I guess the one whom I was up half the night with (the second half, where I am supposed to be sleeping), not the first half where I get to do the work I need to do... *sigh*
Anyhow, he woke up with a drippy diaper, and when he took that off, he proceeded to urinate all over his bedroom floor. As well, there is laundry to do, and now all the beds need stripped and washed as well. I think I'm going to need some making soda to clean things up. I'll call and see if mom has any to spare and maybe pick it up on the way home...

So the older boy, not sure what he at last night, but he's got diarrhea this morning. Guess what, he didn't *quite* make it to the toilet, so much for potty training.

I am really really feeling like I am going to have to go home before the end of the day, I would dearly love to get a call from Her saying that she'll leave most of it so I can deal with it when I get home, or alternatively that she's managed to get it all under control and things are fine.

Maybe I'll call her mother and see if she can go over and help her out for the day...? Wonder if that's a good idea? Probably not, it'll get me in trouble as well.. Everything gets me in trouble... Everything.

I'm frustrated, and if I don't vent somewhere, then next time when she calls I'm going to end up snarling back her. And as the three year old says, "That's not good!"

I guess my problem is that she's always dumping her personal issues and needs on me, and until I deal with them I can't get anything personally required done. (my needs are shelved, mostly permanently, until her needs, complaints, etc, are dealt with.)

I've gotta run. Gotta get to work. Until later. Daniel.

Introspection

2010-09-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Hiya, No idea who's reading this, not really worried about who might be reading this.

What I need to say here is that I have come to a conclusion, a realization about self, and the nature of positive self-motivation, positive self-direction, that kind of thing.

I started up a facebook account the other day, (about half a month ago). Doing that seems to be the single most foolish mistake I think I've ever perpetrated. In essence, I am losing hours each day simply screwing around with these things. I've become addicted to this game that I was initially only checking out to see how it worked.

So the first point is that the face that I'm sort-of hooked on an RPG game. That in itself is something to consider, such a thing is hard to comprehend period.

Second point, I am obviously going to need to set strictures on myself with regards to playing around with this stuff. I actually considered creating a secondary facebook account just so I could keep playing when I got run down or capped. Again, kinda nuts.

Third Point. I am having trouble actually getting down the the brass tacks of writing out the scenarios I have plotted. I can't say for sure, but I am thinking that the program that I am trying to use to actually write the book isn't helping me at all. I can use it to track the progress, the characters, but actually writing the SM's for the game isn't working out the way I'd hoped. If I am going to be able to write the scenes at all, then it's going to have to be as I was writing them before, in a single block punched into a text file with the continues and all that in the single file.

*sighs* I guess I'm just going to shut this down, and over the course of the next week I'll push out the intermediate hero sequences. Then by the end the second week I can have the end of the Villain intermediates put in. And finally after that, in October or earlier if I get the rest done before that, I can map out the larger story sequence, in vague detail, for both sides.

Alright, I've gotta get to bed here, I'm not going to get anything written tonight, so I'm going to shut this down, get to bed and work on being ready to get to work tomorrow for all that is and needs done.

Until I make more sense.

DOC

Oh the Irony

2010-09-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

First, I do have to mention something before I forget it in the dross of my mind.

Earlier this evening I was evicted from my own recliner by my two year old son, for the overriding reason that he "want's to sit all by himself" to watch Diego.

Now, having said that in this forum, it's not nearly as frustrating or as humorous as it was when it happened. But besides that interesting opening, today has been one big random flunk of time. I've spent far too much of today getting wrapped up in the endspace of the series Battlestar Galactica. It's an odd series, you can check out the overview from here
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlestar_Galactica_(2004_TV_series)
Don't you just love Wikipedia?

I'm honestly having a really hard time today in getting into the right frame of mind to write much of anything. I think I am going to need to see the end of this series before I can really get anywhere.

And on that note, I'm going to stop playing with the thoughts of writing, and just let my mind go soft for the rest of tonight and tomorrow, then on Monday I'll get back to it.

Daniel Casey.

Kellie Pickler - Don't You Know You're Beautiful

2010-09-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

This one goes out to my wife.

An Insight, Mid- Night

2010-09-06T04:28:00.000-07:00

No, not midnight, not 12 am.

Midnight is a fine time to be awake, I often make that time before getting to go to sleep. Right now it's more like four twenty in the morning. I've been up since just before two, so mid-night. The littlest one got up, not feeling well at all, so he's awake, thus because mommy is grumbling about having to get up at six to go to work, I get to stay up all night with this little one and then get up when the other one gets up at dawn. *sigh*

I know life's not fair, but an equitable sharing of the misery might be nice. When I have to work the next day she gets to sleep claiming that she has to be awake with them all day, and when she has to work she gets to claim that she needs her sleep because she has to be able to work, so either way I'm screwed. Either I have to stay up with them because she needs rest to be able to deal with them, or I get to stay up all night because she needs rest so she can work the next day.

Which option involves me being allowed to sleep?

And while we're on the note of fair, what's this crap about she wants me to go hunting? I can't even go to a meeting for two hours without her calling me to see when I'm going to be done and when I"ll be home, how the hell am I supposed to be able to take day or three and go hunting, where cellphones and such aren't permitted, and just running home can't be done.

Sorry, just had to let that last part out. I'll go away now, hopefully the little one will be sleeping the next half hour and I can get back to sleep for the other two hours I'm going to be permitted this night.

The Fickle tides of emotion

2010-09-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

Hi blog people. I can't imagine who might be reading this, but that's part of today's post after all. I'm not doing well today. Depressed, tired, overwhelmed, ready to cry (yes I am a man, but real men don't care if people see them cry, it doesn't make them any less manly).

Oh God, where do I start today?

I am tired, really really tired.

Wow, I started this post on Thursday, it's now Sunday. Funny how that works. I'm sitting here before church thinking that I really should have a quick shower and get some food before Church. The youngest one is sleeping, the middle one is watching Dora, and I guess the oldest one is at Grandma's still sleeping.

Back to topic however, I suppose I've worked through the depressed and tired part of this mess. In short there's an issue with the oldest boy wanting to go live at his moms, the younger ones are both at demanding points in their development, the three year old is almost six (demands, and uncompromising so each conflict is a major problem) and the younger is cutting molars, and my bride is pregnant with the third of ours together, making four in total that I am now responsible for.

Here's some pics of them all. This first picture is of my boys, it's kinda small but I think you can click through to the larger version. they're at Yard Creek BC here, checking out the salmon run. it's the first time my boys has seen the salmon running in the creeks. Watching their excitement was intoxicating, I got to take them for this hike when we stopped to have lunch on our way to Revelstoke for camping at Blanket Creek.

That was the first time we tried to use the camper, and it seems to have worked alright, but I don't think it's the best option for all of us. I am going to have to track down a smallish camper or a tent trailer or something, maybe I can make a tent trailer for us and the boys, the camper would have been good for two of us, but the five of us, (six soon) was squishy and problematic.

Another picture: this one is just after we got set up at Blanket Creek campground, two of the boys and mommy are here, the other one, the littlest one is just off to the left, and in the foreground you see hamburger helper cooking on a campfire. It was a good evening. Everything went great until bedtime when the smallest one wanted to be safe and secure at home, even sleeping with mommy didn't help him. Ah well, maybe next time... So we survived the night, determined to play the tourist for Saturday, and head home for bedtime that night. So we wen to see the train Museum in Revelstoke, and then went swimming at the new pool center they had there.

Here's a picture of all of them in front of the Train Museum.

And just for completeness, here's a picture of the campsite with my bride in it, as well as one of she and I, since I never end up in any of the pictures I take.

That's all for now, this trip happened a week ago, I'm still cleaning up from and recovering from it, as well as the writing stuff I'm trying to keep up on.

Cheers and God Bless.

DOC

Pictures, make what you will of them.

2010-08-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

Pictures, make what you will of them. I have little or no time for words here, so I'm going to resort to pictures that strike my fancy, maybe I'll come back and put words to these posts at a later date. So far it's just going to be pictures and the occasional label.

Multi-tasking Cubed

2010-08-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hiya blog surfers,

If you're reading this, I can't imagine why. But regardless, my soul has been moved to post a thought or two today. But first, a question.

"How much do you disassemble before you start fixing and putting things back together?"

I ask this because I am fixing both a truck-camper (one of them things that sit in the back of my truck), here's a picture. It don't look bad from the outside, but the insides suffer from moisture penetration, decades of neglect, and the usual wear and tear. In short, aside from the framing and exterior (which I'll have to do some time later) I've done large chunks of the whole thing, including switching out the vents for new ones, pulling up the entire floor down to plywood, and replacing large chunks of the decayed interior paneling.

Now, to reference both the title and the question above, I'm doing the same thing with the house we bought four years ago. I started the tear out and rebuild of that house when we bought it. So far it's mostly done, with the odd bit here and there left to do, things like finishing up the trim, drywall repairs, the last little bit of the roof, etc, etc.

Most of the house is at the stage shown here in this picture, it's together, but not done. It's been four years of hard work to this point, and I still need to get the kitchen, bathroom and whole exterior done, but I will get there.

Thus, I suppose the answer to the question above, "how much?" is that a father will do as much as is needed to get it right, if you take down the drywall and the joists are rotten, then you replace the joists, if you took down the joists only to find out the floor was ant-holed and rotten, then it all comes down and you start at the bottom and rebuild to the top. (that was my course, *sigh*)

But I'm getting there, and I suppose that this post is to remind myself that despite being a full time accounting tech, a father of three, husband to a wife with needs, and general handyman for the whole world (yes I own a truck, and no I can't help this weekend, but you can borrow the truck if you really need it). Oops, run on sentence. Recap, it will get done, it might not look as nice as I want, but I'll get it done. And with my wife's help in things like painting the camper and indeed the whole house, it will get done sooner.

I love you my Angel, we'll get through this, hopefully sooner than later. but we'll get through things.

Your devoted if exhausted husband.

Progress Report - Roof

2010-07-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

Umm.. where to start? Usually the answer to that is "at teh bottom" or "at the beginning".

Both of these answers are WRONG in this situation. I grumbled about fixing the roof a few posts ago,.. and then last post.

So, a quick update. I had everything apart then it rained, remember that part? and I started getting things back together a couple of days later.

Well, now the whole roof is in place, the timber framing is on (meaning the 2x6 boards are back up as rafters) and 3/4 of the sheetings is in place, now all I have left to do is recover from yesterday, pull the nails out of all the strapping, then paper and put the steel back down...

It never ends... but I'm getting further down the path to completion. I can see the roof being done, soon. I do wish that my wife would understand that this is big to me.. but some things are bound to never change. I'll be compensating for that detail until the boys leave home, then she's on her own when I need to do these things.

Until later. I'll try to pop in tomorrow, maybe with some pics, to show how far I got tonight.

Bye.

Where does one start? Or end

2010-07-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

Now that's a question.

I've had a couple of days that more closely resembled purgatory, or a trip to the mental institution, where they keep the serial nut cases. (no offense intended, I've been there myself, and it feels like I'm heading back soon)

Anyhow.... I have no idea who is who or what is what anymore...

I'm in the middle of trying to put the roof back together, and I can see where and how it has to go, but getting it there is turning out to be a little bit of a trick and a half. (frustrating to say the least).

Anyhow, let's go chronological with what I can remember from my alleged mind.

Last Saturday, (the 17th of July) I managed to pick up the timber for restructuring the roof, and, in getting home I got the bulk of the roof apart. then it rained, a little rain. Alright, survived the rain, got things dried up, and went back up Sunday to work on it after church, got the rest of things taken up (sheeting and strapping etc, etc.) so now I'm ready for the rebuild.
Monday night, the three year old falls asleep early, and my wife takes the other one away so i can work. I start working, first hammer swing wakes the three year old up. so much for that idea. Now I'm waiting for my wife to get home so I can go pick up the tools and secure the roof for the rain that is coming.
And rain it did. All Tuesday... That was NOT A GOOD DAY. Rain pouring directly through the timber structure between the old and new portions of the house. So picture this if you will. I'm at work, and my wife is at home with rain pouring in, and two grumpy whining kids. Towels everywhere, buckets trying to catch the water dropping from the support beams, it was generally not a very good day. and while I am at work, she shares each and every blessed moment with me via cellphone. (sometimes I regret owning a cellphone).

Ok, so we survive Tuesday, and foolish me, I am thinking that I need to get back on the roof and get it back together. So I call in some help. He shows up Wednesday, adn we get the timber and sheeting back over the kitchen portion of the home. Not the other side, and no strapping, paper or steel down, but at least teh sheets are down.

then it's Thursday and I'm not able to get anything done, not a single ten minutes to work. Had to do dinner, dishes, clean house, clean kids, put them to sleep, etc, etc. Basically no support for my trying to get on the roof to get it finished.
Friday was a little better, but only just. I started getting the rest of the roof up so that I could finish fixing it all.
Saturday was almost a complete write off, I got about three hours total on the roof. Now we're at the point where I am ready to drop the rafters from over the covered deck. but it's party time. the youngest is turning two today... Yay, party.

But after the party all I hear is how worn out and tired everyone is, and that I have to stick around and watch the boys, deal with all the mess, etc, etc. why can I not just do what I have to do. Can't she understand how important this is?!

To top it off. We fight, and I mean really get into it, or at least I do. She's in tears and I'm completely unreasonable, being a total ass about it. I've had it. I'm tired, overworked, stressed, and the roof is completely off, waiting for the next rainstorm. But she wanted to take a nap, so I got frustrated and resentful. Then things went downhill, she comes back from resting, feeling guilty and starts to get panicky and all the usual crap that goes with it. I snapped, I truly wanted her out of my house at that point.

from them on down, I slid all the way to the bottom, ending in tears on the bathroom floor. But it makes no difference, now that I've stopped crying, we're back at the "I can't get to doing the work I need to do" stage, and I'm going to snap again soon if this week goes like last week did.

So tonight I'm heading home, hopefully she's taken the boys and gone somewhere else so that I can actually work...

We'll see.

Until later,

Fragile and frustrated,

Dan Casey.

The daily grind makes me feel like flour

2010-07-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hello, Overwhelmed handyman dad here.

We managed to come up with the money needed to finish off the roof this month, or at least the lumber costs. Now I have to actually do the work. it's about 35 degrees C outside, and I'm on a steel roof, dismanteling and rebuilding it. How sane is that. I'm just sitting down here to recover from the last two hours, then it's back to the grind to do the next couple of hours. I'll save this and come back to it tonight I suppose.

Cheers until then.

The point of birthday celebrations?

2010-06-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

Are they supposed to be happy or sad occasions?

I guess it's all about what you think and how you look at life. Me? I tend to get all moody around birthdays, gloomy and feeling worthless. I really don't know why. Maybe it's just a self defense mechanism against being hurt again and again on that day that for most of my childhood was supposed to be a happy and joyous day.

Yes, I made it another year. Hell as of tomorrow anyhow, I"ll officially be 34 years old, the key word here is old.

I suppose I'm not doing so badly. I've got a house of sorts, a decent vehicle, three wonderful healthy boys, a wife who, (when she can get far enough out of her own head to remember my feelings), truly cares about me, (I think, see the first paragraph above about negativity).

But I'm getting older, I suppose I could consider myself to be around 40% of the way through my life at this point. By the time the kids hit the end of high-school I'll be closer to the 60-70% mark, unless one of those unknown triggers is going to take me out earlier.

I often pray that such a thing will happen, but I'm not so sure that I believe in that. I mean sure at the moment, I'm as bleak as can be, but then when I'm sitting back here and trying to make sense of it all, the reason and the overwhelming fatalistic mindset is hard to recognize as one coming from inside of me. I wonder where I'm going with this all?

I'll be back in a short while, I need to think.

I am feeling like crap. It's my birthday and we're too broke to do anything, no presents, nothing.

My mother remembered and got me a kicking card, with a little amount of spending cash, but that'll have to go to the fuel tanks in the truck, as we're too strapped right now to cover. Oh and the fuel will be getting burned in order to help out cleaning out wife's little sister's house that she has to abandon for personal growth reasons. (I know that's kinda vague, but it's not my story, I'll write on it later maybe, but not for public consumption, sorry guys).

Anyhow, the point wasn't about all that, well, not directly anyhow. The round about thing here is this. I submitted an entry the other day to a quick little contest, not much for a purpose, just a quick challenge for coming up with an opening paragraph. So I did it. Put three and three together and came up with nine as it were.

But then today I find out that I didn't win the challenge, not even a mention, but to put it in perspective, only three got mentioned from the 13 or so that were actually valid entries. so I shouldn't be surprised.

I need to find a place that can help with useful reviews, so that I can get better at this writing thing.

And I need to concentrate on the smaller stories first, working my way up to the larger ones later on I suppose. The errors in translation would be a good start, it'll fit two of the submission places I have in mind, it's a story about the trials of popularity, leadership, and lone wolf type individuals being put in a place where they are required to lead the way out.

Anyhow, it's now time to stretch out and try to sleep a little before tomorrow hits my up side the head.

I have a dream

2010-06-20T03:26:00.000-07:00

Morning, it's now 1:35 am and I'm working again, trying to get somebody's processing completed for them, so that they won't be late on their remittances.

But that's not what I'm writing tonight on.

I have a dream. Oh, and I'm likely sleeping on the couch again.

Anyhow, the dream is to build a sailboat of significant size, 40-50 foot is a good range, for my wife and I to retreat to when the mood strikes.

I'm not really sure what the intention of stating such a dream publicly was, maybe when I read it later on I'll be able to put more useful words to it. Right now I'm tired, it's 2 hours until full sun-up and I've gotta get up and do it all again...

Anyhow.

g'night.

The Pen V.S. The Sword

2010-06-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

Morning everyone, ... Hello?

ah well, a good turnout again. *grin* Guess I'll talk to myself, seeing as how the post today is reflective of that point anyhow.

The Pen [keyboard?] is mightier than the Sword. An odd statement for one who is obsessive about nobility and chivalry.

But there you have it.

A sword can topple or claim a kingdom, occasionally with the help of an army, but nevertheless a sword can forge a kingdom, with or without a vision. A man of ambition can simply force his way to the top [as long as he doesn't get himself killed in the process].

A pen can, with the help of lively mind, form an opinion, a theory, a kingdom [just like the sword] or a whole world, universe, etc.
This kind of power seems too large for one person to handle, but there are built in limitations. The talent of forming a person, a world or a story is commonly paired with a form of mental affliction. First, the skill or talent of doing so is often not one that a person can consciously control. I mean there are people who through sheer doggedness determination and developed skill can create consistent formats, stories and characters that will appeal to the reader and will sell, but I honestly don't fall into that category [yet], so the voices seem to create themselves and then just bug me until I can tell their story. I guess I just gave the second point body as well. Funny, this wasn't how I intended the monologue to go.

V2 - Monologue? What the hell are you talking about? I suppose you thought you were going to sit down and talk about us without so much as asking our leave? Thoughtless twit, Voice 4 and I are going to make you pay for that.

V4 - (nasal male voice) What's this? I'm going to do what? *sighs* We've talked about this before V2. You can't just presume on my goodwill. Sorry about this Lead Voice.

ME - Would you all just be quiet. Dang. No! I didn't consult with you if it was alright to talk about you. I'm trying to explain how you need to have your story told, and how such a situation causes the writer, within whose head you take up residence, no end of distress until said writer can get your story out.

V4 - V2? You dragged me back from my contemplation of flower pollen for this crap. V1, V3? where are you guys, why can you keep V2 settled down for a bit so that I can have my down time?

V3 - (feminine voice) - I trying to help, but V2 just ran right over me.
V4 - *BIG mental sigh* I know, V2 is powerful, but where's V1, he can keep the upstart in line.

V2 - (mollified, hesitantly) He said something about having to work on his car.

V4 - (exasperated to near shrieking) His car? He's an imaginary voice in this guy's head!

ME - Enough! You're kind of like ghosts, annoying as hell, but not really effective. Now, stop it!

All the other Voices, (except V1, who apparently is out fixing his car) "Sorry."

ME - That's better, now if you keep jockeying for airtime, then I'll never get your story out and you'll be stuck inside my head forever! Is that what you want?

All - God forbid, it's creepy in here, what with all these voices bouncing around. It's like trying to live in a nuthouse.

ME - Right! So Quiet, or I'll just shelf you until you are willing to behave. I have toddlers, I can ignore any amount of whining you come up with. Now, go find something to do, I have to finish this post so I can get back to work.

* * *
Sorry about that blog readers, had some housekeeping to deal with.
Where was I? Oh right, the issues with multiple voices in one's own head, and the blessing/curse that such residents pose.

I guess trying to explain that after the above exchange is somewhat redundant. I'll go away now and try to keep them quiet while I finish up work for the day.

Shifting Priorities, Changing Perspectives

2010-06-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

I've been a grouch, grumpy and resentful of my life, and all the people in it. And that's not fair to those people whom I have to share air and energy space with.

So, to my wife, I'm sorry for my attitude of late, I see the error of my ways, and God willing, I will keep the focus foremost in my mind, and try to let go of all the other negative crap. I know you're life is as hard as mine, Heck I hear the issues I'm grumbling about coming out of your mouth more often than mine, so I will do what I can to make your travels through this difficult period easier in whatever manner I may.

And to my eldest son, I really don't know where to start guy. I am sorry about last night, I was short tempered and that was not fair to you. You did good about cleaning up your room, I'm proud of you for that. Your younger brothers were being a handful and I was completely in the wrong frame of mind to deal with it, that's my fault, not yours.

On another note, I've just this morning stumbled on a story thought, but I need to talk to you about it, I need your insight on the topic. I'll e-mail you tonight about it, unless we manage to get to talk about it before that.

Anyhow, I have to get to work here before I get fired.

Take care all of you,

Love Dad.

Here's a question for you.

2010-05-07T16:11:00.000-07:00

I am aware that almost nobody reads this, with the rare exception of myself and some random webcrawling autobots.

But a question, should anybody human ever read this.

What would you do to change the world? And why?

Maybe you don't feel the world needs changed, maybe your part of the world is good as it is.

I don't really have a good answer to the above question, mostly my answers come in the form of responses to the pressures I face in my own life.

Power bill too hight, then we have to stop using so much electricity, Fuel bill for the vehicles too high, then we have to stop driving so much to do things, or get more efficient vehicles, or both. (it'd be nice if we lived close enough to bicycle to work, but I am literally 45 km from work, and there's no chance in moving right now, but a smaller vehicle, say the motorcycle, would be good)

How about we're out of money and need to cut back on expensese? Ok, we're going to start growing our own vegetables for the summer. I think Corn would be a good thing to plant as well.
Oh, and reduce reuse and recycle are the mainstay of getting anything accomplished around here, but that's another story. Just for a fun closing, here's a picture of the cat I have to take for a walk every evening after dinner.

God Bless.

Andre.

The power of a human determination

2010-04-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

This entry dovetails into my other train of thought which I will put up on the other side of my ego posts, over there >>> http://wherethevoicesinmyheadreside.blogspot.com/

But first, an appropriately large amount of admiration and respect is due to this amazing young woman. Her blog is located here >> http://soloround.blogspot.com/

This is the ongoing story of Abby Sunderland and her attempt to sail around the world solo and non-stop.

Being a thirty-something father of three with a wife, a career, pets, bills mortgages and all the other crap that goes with being responsible, such a dream is destined to remain that for the foreseeable future, but to listen to another's experiences, to live vicariously through the adventures of another, that's about all one gets.

Regardless, this is not about my or my woes, this post was to highlight the accomplishments of this young woman.
However I am having trouble simply getting the sheer overwhelming admiration and respect (and yes a little envy) that I am currently feeling towards a woman (who is only 16) and verily towards her entire family and support structure.

That they could support and facilitate such an adventure, that they could do such a good job on raising and preparing Abby for this kind of undertaking, and that she can do so without the usual complaints and issues that most grade 10-11 girls will harp on endlessly.

So, a heartfelt prayer is offered up for her success, her safety, her wellbeing, and eventually her benefits from such a trip as she is on.

A genuine thanks goes out to the parents and supports of such a profoundly inspiring individual as Abby (and of course Zac's earlier story was just as moving, go find it here http://www.zacsunderland.com/)

I dang, I don't really do the gushing thing well, but I was moved by today's post on Abby's blog, almost as much as I was when I stumbled on Zac's blog last year, so I felt I had to say something.

I'll go be quiet now.

Andre.

The nature of reality

2010-03-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

As I awake today, for the second day in a row, without having gotten up at midnight and four AM with the screaming mimi (Thing (that goes bump in the night,) the younger), I am taken by the notion that the chances of this reality being the same as the one I have been recently inhabiting (with the nocturnal bumping things) being very slim indeed.

So the question now becomes, when we sleep, does our world change? or is it the same sequential/causal events that were set in motion before we resigned our awareness for the night?

Any thoughts? I am somewhat unsettled by this, but as I live my life much like a plasma cloud anyhow, unsettled is not a really bad thing I suppose.

There have been some wonderfully insightful philosophic studies on the nature of consciousness and awareness, linking these two aspects to the nature of perceived reality,
check out this quick listing by google
google search "perceived reality"

The ulitmate result of which, when all is said and done, is....

Relax, it's all in your head.
*grin*

Ok, back to work here.

Andre.

Sinsurance

2010-03-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

This was a typographical error I just made, but it caught my eye and being an odd minded Catholic, I wondered what would constitute Sin Insurance, or Sinsurance for short.

Confessions (formally called Reconciliation) is for past sins, "Please forgive me lord, I'll try to do better."
And I've read about Considerations on occasion, but I can't remember where or when, and then there's the bit where you get divine credit for such things as praying up the steps of some shrine or other, (again sorry, sitting at my desk no time to go look this stuff up, if I think of it later and the terrorists that run my life give me time I'll check into stuff later) but I don't think that either of those things qualify as Insurance against sinning either.

So, an insight, you can't get insurance against morally screwing up or becoming morally bankrupt or whatever, sinning in all it's glory, but there is always a recovery method for those who are truly repentant (at least until the day of reckoning anyhow, then it's all up and there's no other path but the one you're on).

Anyhow, speaking of sinning, I suppose I am supposed to be working.

g'day and God Bless.

Andre.

That dang cat

2010-03-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

Iam trying to write a blog post on my phone, and so far it's working alright. Aside from some of the keys that I am used to using all the time are obviously missing, things like the end keys, home keys, stuff like that.

About the title, we have had an unexpected visitor tonight. Now, sometime last fall we had a vivit from a kitty, who moved in and became one of the family, so we went to start taking care of the kitty. But the he took off and didn't come back. His name was Sammie.

So, after the loss of our beloved Sammie, (the boys were crushed) we adopted a fluffy kitty named Zenn, who has nothing zen-like about him.

So, to make things interesting, Zen has been around since Christmas and I've even started liking him (for a cat) and last night, around 9 pm, the original Sammie shows up, looking for a warm place to sleep.

uh oh.....This could be a problem.

I guess it worked out all right for now, my wife and I agreed to put Sammie back outside and see if he went back to where he came from, and if he's still pestering us in a few days we'll have to take a picture and start knocking on peoples doors to find out where this cat comes from.

Anyhow, I'm supposed to be working here, so I"ll be back later, or not, maybe I'll die on the way home.
Barring something that drastic however, I'm off and I'll be back eventually.

Andre.

So, an update on the Education and Youth Post

2010-03-15T01:10:00.000-07:00

Hi all, about two posts ago I whined about what I was overwhelmed with, and seeing as how whining never got anybody anywhere, I guess I got tired of standing still.

So I asked some people, (and have to ask more) about whether they could help or not, and also if they were interested in having their children involved. Now, some things I am interested in pointing out. As anybody with _small_ ones knows, (by small I'm talking under five, even under three most of the time) trying to sit and attentively participate in church or any other activity for ten minutes or more that does not involve eating is a doomed activity unless by some freak of nature your children are actually behaved and obedient, or scared stiff of the repercussions of misbehaving.
My kids don't fall into either of those categories. So a brief period where I can take them out and translate the boring stuff that the adults read into more engaging stuff that the children would listen to, this is a good thing, and after fifteen or twenty minutes I'm back in the pew with them attending the blessing of the Eucharist and observing mass.

Now, back to the point. There are only about ten children that this might even remotely appeal to, and two of them are mine. So I asked two of the other parents about it, one started making conditions and excuses, resulting in a qualified yes but not really, and the other parent is a straight laced Catholic from the old school, and insists that their children would not be "deprived" of the chance to observe and be in the presence of the Holy Eucharist, especially since they only get that opportunity to do so once a week for only an hour.

umm.... what? The second parent I mentioned sits across the aisle from my boys, and from first hand experience, his little ones are not obsessively adoring the Holy Eucharist, they're making faces at my boys who then rise to the occasion and things get troubled after that. Anyhow, I'll not gainsay his opinion or his choice, but that does leave me with a maximum of 8 kids at this thing then. I'll have to do the groundwork next week and see if there's any remote chance of getting it online. If not then I guess my boys and I will be there alone in the back, so that I can present the readings to them in a manner they'll get, without getting too restless.

Anyhow, it's now ten after one in the morning and while I would love to spend some time getting some progress on my novel, I should get to sleep, six am comes early and I'm likely to be up at least one more time before then, when the littlest one starts coughing at about three am.

Good night, and God bless.

Andre.

Bnak

2010-03-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

I just have to put this down before it drives me nuts.

I work in accounting, sort of. and the word "bank" comes up quite often in my work, typing it and such.
Now, not being the best typist on the planet, I often manage to transpose letters, adn hte result is oftne irrelevant to the bulk of people. But one particular transposition has been happening so often of late that the questions started up again.

the word? Bank. The transposition? Bnak.....
The question.. What is a bnak? it sounds like some kind of livestock animal. I dunno, maybe now that I've shared this with you you can worry it over and it will leave me alone.

*sigh* nope, still there.

guess I'm not that lucky.

until later, sorry for the divergence.

Andre.

Oh my lord, guide me and inspire me.

2010-03-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here, wondering just how I am supposed to make this work, seeing as I have no idea where to start, what happens, or anything even remotely like that.

First, what am I talking about, right? Somewhere I put down in electronic ink that I was supposed to be the new council representative for education and youth in our church. I am way out of my depth, and not sure where to start on this. I have two little kids, and I can try to teach them, but that's as far as I ever got. I'll need to find some colouring pictures for them to take to church so that they can colour and we can talk about things,
I guess that the first thing to do is to brace one or more of the people from church and see if they're interested in even helping out with something like that.

From what I understand, the children's ministry occurs alongside the general mass, with the children being taken out and "ministered to" while the liturgy is being said inside, with the kids coming back in just before the holy communion, or something like that. I need to call up Roman's mother, maybe talk to John, he seems to have a handle on things like this, and the Ouilettes, possibly along with the Peltier's, (I also have no idea how to spell any of these names, which is frustrating.

There's a meeting on Wednesday, and I'm going to have to confess at that point that I have been sick and looking after very sick children for the last couple of weeks. So to take it in stride, I'm going to need names and numbers of those people that might be able to help me out with this. I can't teach, but I suppose that I could set up lessons in rough that an actual teacher might be able to do. Also, I need to find people willing to teach. Donna might, but she's more focused on the adult side of things, Marie would be good, possibly along with Jennifer, but they're gone right now. The Ouilette girls woudl probably be great at it, but again, there's the whole how do I go about this and bring it up.

And next, after I get that started, I want to run a refresher course in basic catechisms, for guys like me that have fallen behind in their studies on this. I think the KofC website has some good things there, I'll have to go see.

Having said all that, It's now quarter after 11, and I have to get to sleep, before the littlest one gets up for his initial nocturnal wander. I think I'll leave the laptop here so that I can watch the first of the series of Monarch of the Glen tonight. That'd be cool.

Until later, a muchly overwhelmed and insecure Andre.

Monday, Headaches, and Losses

2010-02-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

Ok Lord,
where do I start.

I'm still caffeine free, and it's getting close to a full week now. Goodness knows I've been tempted, and the utter lack of support from anybody else in my family doesn't help, but I guess that's how life goes.
The withdrawal headaches are lessening, but still going strong, I had forgotten or maybe never knew what the caffeine withdrawal headaches were like. I've quite caffeine on occasion before, but never for more than a few days, and so far I' at about day 8 or thereabouts. The past few days have caused me to need painkillers to reduce the throbbing and agony.

To top the issues raised by quitting coffee and all other caffeine drinks, today is Monday, my wife's first Monday on her "New" shift again, so we had to get the boys up today and have them out the door for about 7:15 or 7:30am and then she had to work a full day before heading home to handle things tonight.
I'm going to hear about how difficult it is for her all the way home. I really am getting tired of hearing how hard her life is (the one I share with her, and do as much or more than she does). Especially since I can't point out that I let her sleep for as much of the night as possible, and that I do as much of the housework as she does, it's really kinda frustrating, but what does a guy in this generation do? I guess we just suck it up, nobody is listening to me whine anyhow.

Oh, and to top it off, my grandmother died at 2am yesterday morning (Sunday February the 21st, 2010) So I had to get mom to the airport by dinner-time, so that she could make the flight back to Ontario for the arrangements and funeral and such. What this means to me is that the Grandparent's I haven't seen in over 20 years now, I never will. I don't think my Grandfather is going to make another 5 years which is how long it'll take me to get clear of the money issues we're facing so that we could afford the trip.

Ah well, enough meandering around in circles, I've gotta get back to work.

I'll be back to talk about environmentally safe boats and such at a later point.

Andre.

Lent, Catholic and Caffeine

2010-02-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hi all, it's Friday, and I've been trying to figure out what I should be giving up for Lent, seeing as how I am Catholic after all.

If you have read the flip side of this blog, at http://marriagechildrenandwarningmanuals.blogspot.com/
then you know that I have children, a wife with some small problems at this point in life and of course the usual grind of work, family, renos, extended family, etc, etc..... and not nearly enough sleep. So Caffeine (specifically really really strong coffee, and when that doesn't work, energy drinks) plays a big part in my life, or it has until this Wednesday. See, I'm abstaining from caffeine for the period of Advent, February 17th through Easter Monday.

This will be interesting, I'll drop the thoughts related to this one as I go along, 40 days without caffeine, this could be tricky.

Anyhow, if I can manage the abstinence until I'm 40, then MardiGras (FatTuesday) is something I'd really like to get to with my Angel. Even the history and churches in the area would be worth visiting

back to work here, i'm supposed to be generating billable hours.

Andre.

The Love Dare- Missing in Action.

2010-01-29T01:16:00.000-08:00

The truth is that despite all the good intentions, I seem to have let this one fall by the wayside, and it's killing me. I'm frustrated, and I don't feel like my life is my own, or even partly my own anymore, I'm just overwhelmed and tired all of the time. Work isn't supposed to be an escape, but lately it is just that. I am simply too swamped with everything I have to do at home that there is no time left for anything else, unless I stay up way to dang late, like tonight.

I'll try to get a brief overview of the book tonight, and then I'll have to see if I'm still up to trying to make teh grade on this, but at this point I really don't know if I am.

Until then, I'm out.

Andre.

Olympic flame procession shuts down thought processes of town

2010-01-27T11:56:00.000-08:00

You heard it right, the collective brains of Salmon Arm appear to have been shut off for today, with all the hype and marketing happening which surrounds this:

You can see the top half of the Olympic torch just to the right of the tall blond girls head (right hand side of the picture).
Here is a better shot of it. See the tiny flame thing in the front of the stage, probably not. It's ok, it took me five minutes to find the flame in this picture as well.

And of course there's all the hype and energy they're trying to get happening surrounding the lighting ceremony, Hell, after they had the lighting ceremony, I gave up and came back here. The crowd's insanely packed there, see? >>>

Oh and the music is painfully loud. So here I sit, with a pair of tylenol in me, hoping that the headache will recede soon so I can function normally again.

What did I personally get from this ceremony? Well, it's loud, and it is good for civic pride and spirit, but ultimately it's a colossal waste of resources and money on something that benefits only a few at the cost of the many, and all for this little ceremony? See him light the cauldron, yay.

I am not going to preach about this. I feel only a slight irritation about this whole process, it's an hour of wasted time in my life. I know it's a once in a lifetime occurrence, but I just don't care. I'm hungry, I think I'll go for lunch.

Wednesday January 27, 2010

2010-01-27T01:02:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the title, I felt the need to post right now, not complain or whine about things, just post. but I have no title in mind.

I'm tired, dear God I am tired, and it's almost one AM as I write this, I should really be getting off to bed, hell, if I'd gone to bed with my wife we might have had a chance to do something. But as it is, they were up, she was tired, and it just didn't work out that way. I think I'll put this blog link up where the kids and others can see it, maybe the oldest boy will actually start to talk to me if I do something as cool as blogging.

Why do I feel so distant from him. I know I ride him on occasion, but that's my job. It would be nice if he didn't fight as much with me about it, but I guess I should get used to it.

I wonder how I can come up with 10k in the next three months? Doubt it is even possible, but I wonder.

I might start by selling the Dodge for a couple grand, and the damned mustang for another 800 or so. It'd be nice to have that kind of money in the bank, but.... well, you know how it is.

The reason that this comes up is that there has recently been a sailboat come on the market in the local area, for ten thousand dollars, it's not worth it, but that's what he's asking for it. It's about the right size, and it would work around here, mostly anyhow. but for that kind of money, I can head to the lower mainland and pick up something in much better shape, or simply much better to handle the waters around here than a lead mine sloop rigged cabin cruiser.

Jumping topics, because I have to let that one sit for a little bit. It's now getting close to tax season here in Canada, and being in the accounting trade, I am feeling the pressure to get things dealt with before the madness hits. But my question to the population at large is this,
Why do people (not you of course, but most people) try to get away with something only at the very end of the sequence. if you know you're going to end up paying taxes on that nice little extra cash job you took, then why not plan accordingly and take the right steps to minimize that tax? Once you end up at your accountant's office, we've already done every legal thing to bring your taxes down to the minimum possible payable amount, so don't then go about blaming us for having not planned earlier (again, this is hypothetical, not aimed at you).

And finally, a little quip on the olympic flame that's coming through town tomorrow (for those of you enterprising people, you can figure out where I live from that, you just have to find a site that show's the torch's dates and towns)
So, this Olympic torch supposedly carries the flame that was kindled in Greece how many years ago? And while I applaud the achievements of the atheletes that have made it that far, I have to ask why so much extra money is spent on making this huge venue for the Olympics, so much so that every four years a new location is driven into bankruptcy or massive debt merely for the purpose of hosting the Olympic games.
Keeping in mind that I do tend to focus on numbers more than some, but does this make any kind of sense?

I mean, granted there are countries that thrive on this kind of thing, but in Canada we are not supposed to have an authoritarian government, but in the course of approving and preparing for the Olympic Games, this same government has cut health care systems by 20% (approx), they've refurbished the Sea-to-Sky highway, (now they're going to put a toll on it to pay for the upgrades) and they've simply gone way to heavy handed concerning the actual events and society as a whole while the games are taking place. you can't even reference the games without paying the piper so to speak.

So, if in some way this constitites a violation of one of those obscure little laws, then I am sorry, and you can try to sue me, but I'm worth more dead than alive right now, so no luck.

Alright, I'm falling asleep sitting here typing, makes words hard to put down. I'm off to bed, talk to you again soon.

Andre.

The Love Dare Day 0-2

2010-01-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

Thursday, January 21, 2010.

Life is interesting today. I'll start by holding up the disclaimer in the front of the book.

Quoted:

Receive this as a warning,
This forty day journey cannot
be taken lightly.

It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly
fulfilling one. To take this dare
requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination.

It is not meant to be sampled or briefly
tested, and those who quit early will
forfeit the greatest benefits. If you
will commit to a day at a time for forty
days, the results could change your
life and your marriage.

Consider it a dare, from others
who have done it before you.

-end quote-

Now, my initial impulse was to type out the text of teh book here, but that's pointless, ifyou want to see the whole book, get it out of the library, or better yet, buy it,

here:
http://www.amazon.ca/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/1594152977/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264116332&sr=8-4

something like that anyhow.

besides, there are copyright issues with reproducing an entire book like that.

On that note, I'll just slip away, have to go read some before bed.

Andre.

An interesting conflict.

2010-01-21T11:24:00.000-08:00

Howdy all. This post has little or nothing to do with the Love Dare, I'll post that one later on today.

The problem posed to me this morning is one of responsibility and obligation. First, I'm on alright terms with my mother-in-law, as well as getting along quite well with my father-in-law. The issue arises due to the fact than they have divorced and are separated (have been for decades now), and now the mother in law wants details on the father in law that shoudl I have access to, I cannot divulge. Privacy issues, morality, and all that stuff.

I'd like to do right by her, to help if I can, but even if I had access to the information she want's, I can't give it out to her. She'd have to contact her ex husband directly for the information she want's.

So I'm stuck, can't help even though I want to. I guess that's life. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel right at the time. *sigh* I guess I'll leave it alone.

Andre.

How on earth am I going to manage this?

2010-01-20T14:50:00.000-08:00

Oh my dearest wife. *snarl*

As I start to marginally recover from being the stumbling wreck that is the result of your husband's almost complete emotional and physical breakdown, I show the merest signs of improvement, I'm not crying hourly anymore, and so on. Please note that I am still not getting enough sleep, still "burning the candle at both ends" having to be the responsible one who gets up with the teenager to get him off to school, as well as the one who is strong enough to stay up until the little one's go to bed. As well as being the default one who gets up with them each and every NIGHT!!, I am only barely holding my own against the overwhelming and crushing despair that threatens to overtake my sanity on an hourly basis. So apparently because I'm not having hourly breakdowns in front of you, you feel the obligation to resume treating me in the manner of old, accusations, no moderation, no compassion, no caring, only the blunt and hurtful selfish manner that you have become so proficient at.

*** Removed due to content and selfish whining, I think. After re-reading it, I felt that there was no point in holding it up here for all to see. Sorry. ***

Bye.

The Love Dare Day 0-3

2010-01-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

so its not going to be as easy as I would like to do this. if i could put the baby down then i would have a chance. as it is,i'll have to quit ajd come ba,k to9 it when I am not so enjcumbered, until then.

So, here I sit, at work in the morning after I wrote those lines last night. The boys were more work than I can possibly express here. they're both sick, they're both overtired from not sleeping right, and I am supposed to be taking care of them when I can't even keep up and sleep enough for myself.

Back to the main point. I got this book out of the library, called "The Love Dare" by Stephen Kendrick. It looks to be interesting. It lays out a fourty day challenge, (hence the title line, I'm starting Saturday).

I need to get to work here, but I'll be back at lunch I hope, to add to this line of operation. but then it'll be Day 0-2

until later, God Bless, Andre.

Insight from a therapist

2010-01-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

Hi all. I took a positive step sometime around the beginning of December and called in to mental health for a chance at working out some of my problems.

Topic jump. Tonight is going to be a late night. I am going to cut the trim for the bedroom, then plaster and then paint the boys room with primer after I spray the ceiling with the texture. I can do this! It'll be a late night, but it'll get done. The colour is going to be done by the end of the weekend, and the trim by middle of next week for the boys room, and then the floor will be done by next weekend, and we'll be good, then I can move the boys in shortly after that. We need two beds, the dressers, and the train table. Once I get Connor out of the front room I can repaint it and move the office into there so it's not in the living room, and I'll have to start burning DVD's to play in the players when we move the computer out of the living room. Ok, I'm running wild with extrapolations here, have to drop this thread and get back to the therapist thing.

Ok, I started seeing the Therapist on December 10th, and the blog postings from about that time, (misery, desperation, despair, suicide thoughts) were how I presented to him. and he was worried, since then I have seen him three times, the second was about the same as the first, and the third was a little better, but not much. Then Christmas hit and wow, did my wife and I ever have some big arguments. I was to blame for more than my fair share of them, regardless of how I rationalized them to myself at the time as somebody else's fault. I have to be honest and own up to things here. I can't be honest with people I'll likely never meet then I'd be sinking to a new low of self-deception.
Anyhow, the big arguments. what I got out of them? I feel as though I was actually heard, kinda anyhow. We still have problems with communication, but I suppose it's getting better, at least I feel less ignored now.

This weekend will be a telling point, with my hoping to get as much done on the house as I'd like, she's going shopping for most of Saturday with my mom. That'll give me time to get it all moving and get quite a bit done that I'd otherwise not be able to manage with everybody underfoot. The wood split for a start and a bunch more of it moved up to the main deck. I'd like to pick up a bin for the wood that doesn't have an open bottom as well.
Man, I'm having trouble staying on topic here. The point I was trying to make was that the appointment with the therapist just the other day was a telling one, I walked in and he asked me what changed, as he hadn't done much to help me, but I seemed better to him. So one month, four appointments, and no useful input from him, but I seemed better. He asked what changed and I didn't have an answer for him. I hope to examine my internal self and come up with something approximating the answer that might be applicable.

So my problem was the ongoing level of increasing stress, and the fact that my wife deals with it the way she does, combined with the lack of sleep and the workload of both work and renovations in my home. Add to that the demands of wood-stoves needing firewood and general maintenance, yeah, it's not surprising that I'm tired much of the time. The fact that Coffee is starting to have very negative effects on me (Side note, I didn't manage to give up coffee, but the break from it probably did me some good). So, I'm back drinking coffee, and my brain is singing along at about warp six or seven to use Star Trek jargon, and my heart is running about the same speed. And I haven't even started drinking the Canadiana Coffee mom brought back from the coffee shop just now.
Bee right back, gotta make a tree stop.

Sorry, took me a little bit to get back to this.
So, in recap. Yes, there's a reason I should be tired, two little kids a teenager, a high maintenance wife, and the usual guy stuff to deal with, a full time job and home renovations. Duh, wonder why I'm even mobile in the mornings some days.

but why am I doing better than I was previously?
Probably a couple of things, first, I am getting a little more sleep, second I am starting to feel like we're a team again and that she listens to me (she's also calling and killing me less), and to dream is to pull oneself up out of the daily misery of this brutal and painful life.

Anyhow, it's now about 3:30 so I have to finish up what I'm doing and get outta here.

Take care, I'll talk to you all later.

Andre.

Well, I did it, but...

2009-11-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

Umm.. yeah, I made the 50,000 goal.. yay.
first main point story is not finished, about 10k away or so at least.
second main point, I managed it while depressed as all hell. Depression is taking a heavy hit out of me right now. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Getting yelled at because other people have problems is not cool. It's manageable when it only happens occasionally, (once a month, at _that_ time or even every couple of weeks would constitute occasionally) but daily has taken a toll on my soul.

I am destroyed. Each morning I work through the overwhelming funk, get out of bed and get started, only to have things go horribly sideways at some point and I get screamed at, attacked, insulted, etc, etc. It is apparently enough to make a guy cry. Seeing as how I am doing so on a semi-regular basis these days.

I just don't care much anymore. The kids are wonderful, The wife actually apologized after blowing up at me over her issues of being hungry, overwhelmed, etc. But it's too little, too late, and not often enough.
Her statement would be "She's trying" to make it work. So one apology is supposed to rectify half a decade's worth of attacks and abuse?
I don't know what to think anymore.
I just want to cry, to curl up in a ball and stop being alive for a good bit of time.
The common counter to feeling suicidal is to point out that suicidal people only want to be happy again, and you can't be happy when you're dead.
Well, I don't want to be happy, I just want to stop being miserable, stop getting yelled at. Stop getting caught in situations that make me want to slip out of my skin and flow away down the drain. I just want it all to stop. That, in a nutshell, is why the issue has started coming up again.
But I can't tell her that, the one person I should be able to talk to in this world without recrimination, but I can't tell her this stuff. She'll twist it all around and make me even worse.

God I wish I had some close emotional support.
Guess I'll bugger off and get to work here, there's hours of things I have to get done before I can go to bed yet.

Andre.

Sunday, November 1, All Saints Day.

2009-11-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

Morning, if you can't tell from the post, I am a catholic.

I won't try to convert you, but I will voice my beliefs, and hope that the spirit will help you see the Truth.

It's now November 1st, I've cleaned up from breakfast, and figured out dinner, (have to put it together when I get back from church).

So as I stand here in the kitchen with a broken foot, watching the time, wondering if last night was in fact the fall time change, I am hoping to manage anothier 2000 words in the story this afternoon, then again tonight if I can. I'd like to be at an official 6000 words for the Nanowrimo by tomorrow morning.

whoops, there goes the littlest one, he's kinda grumpy, I'm going to have to feed him again before we leave for church, and I have about 45 minutes. I guess I'll stop screwing around here and go deal with that.

Until later.

Ardal.

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-31T23:47:00.000-07:00

Hiya all. (ok, I'm talking to myself again, but that's what happens when you are borderline nuts)

Anyhow, on another and totally related note, here I am and it's now about 20 minutes to 12 midnight October 31, 2009.

I Have Signed UP For NaNoWriMo. (dispirited cheer at this point)

that stands for National Novel Writing Month.
what this means is that I have signed up to try to write at least 50,000 words of fiction by the end of November, and I've set up a countdown time on the main page here to track how long I have left. (at least I am going to set one up when I hit post here)

So, if you're interested in what I am writing, then ask me. I've included the typical summary that I worked up before this whole thing started. Not sure how close the finished product will turn out, but we'll see what happens hey?

Anyhow, the preview summary.

Synopsis: Caorann Loosed

In short there is a Fairie land (one of many, they exist independent of each other after all, and independent of our reality as well) that is under Crisis. The oldest daughter is currently out in the real world, at band camp of all things, when her twin brother links to her for an update, it's getting urgent back home, something needs to happen and soon.

So fairie land tied to real land, holds structure based on continuing cohesive structure of the original contract with ruling family of Connacht from Eire, say before the 1066 contract, (magna Carta? or something like that, I'm going to have to do a little study here). Ok, the land was, and will be, but the formed and usable aspect of it, (where the fairie live) came into being through a little finangling, due to the formation and recognition of the county of Connacht, and the continuation or stability of the land was tied to the reigning king of Connacht. As long as the reigning king of Connacht was in residence, and maintained the old gardens (specifically the Mountian Ash Grove) the fairie country was somewhat stable, it would be ok, but if the grove failed or was in flux then things got a little screwy in the fairie land, and now that the whole grove was taken down for development, had been gotten rid of, it's gone to pot entirely. the last defacto king was out of power in 1474, and the fairie land has been holding on since then only to crumble, the magic is slipping away, so now we need to reanchor somewhere else,

They end up tying to the family of Jake and Katie, through Allyiah and her friendship with Trin, so as to have the needed connection to the physical plane, without which they cannot continue. Then as things start to settle down, Allyiah starts to fail, the energies she's not aware of are being pulled out of her. A last second switch is needed, Allyiah is fading fast, the energies are only flowing one way. They have to link to something alive, with life energy to act as a beacon so that the fairie land can be anchored in this world, thus preserving it's very nature. Trin was here, and along with her twin brother, they were acting as a conduit to make it work for now, but she can't go back until this is cleared up and anchored.

I'm not sure how this will all work out, but that's a general outline/synopsis for those who want one. I know Fairie is kinda overdone and cheesy, but it's my first attempt, and I needed a relatively flexible structure on which to hang my characters that are the meat of any good story.

That's it. I'm not worried about anybody stealing it. The names are touchy, I am emotionally attached to them for other reasons, but you can't steal the novel that I have not written yet, so there we go. But for those sticklers, yes, this is my work, no I didn't steal it or the idea of it from anywhere. It came to me when watching the humming birds flit around the newly planted trees in the park across from my office at work. Thats about it, and I'm down to 15 minutes until go time. I'll see you all at the finish line. Ha-Rugh!

Andre.

A Poem, before I head for home and madness.

2009-10-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

Written by William Wordsworth (what a good name for a poet hey?)

The World is Too Much With Us; Late and Soon

The world is too much with us; late a soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to teh moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not. - Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

Too funny, it's hard to believe that this was written more than 100 years ago. and yet, it reflects our current culture issues perfectly. we are prostituted out to our material lifestyle. Our children know not the concept of delayed gratification, only that of being and having what they want, when they want.

Our drive forward to a better life has completely obliterated the very thing it was trying to achieve. We now work so hard that we don't have anything left. We have better cars, bigger houses, more plentiful food, and yet, overall health is failing, families are falling apart, and nobody is willing to stand up and just be a good person. To help is to open one's self up to the liability suits of those too petty to simply say "Thank-you; I know I am still hospitalized, but I realize you did your best for me, without hope of reward, so thanks." Instead they turn it around, and go on a spree, spreading hurt and accusations, liability and guilt, blaming everyone instead of taking personal responsability for their actions and behaviour.

Ok, I'll hop down from the soapbox now. Gotta get home and spend some time with the family that is trying so hard to get away from me.

Andre.

Hiya, a long night, and a longer day.

2009-10-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

Well, this blog was initially set up as a place for me to vent and blow off steam, essentially complaining about life and it's injustices, and why I felt it should be fair to me, rather than treating me like a filled diaper.

But when looking back at my intentions, that seems rather childish, and as I'm now on the high side of 30, it's time to face the standard truth. Life is not fair, cope. Stop whining, and get on with it.

True, my 12 year old is hard to deal with, and has a childish streak that I often want to smack out the other side of his head. the toddler and his little brother are maddeningly awake late into the night and up earlier and earlier each day it seems. Oh, and we can't forget the wife who is in the middle of the standard 20 something "what is the point, and why don't I matter" swing.

I guess the standard perspective is "who are these kids and why are they calling me dad?"

This is going on three years of not enough sleep. Last night I got the 2.8 year old to sleep at 11:30, the 1 year old was up by midnight, and back down by 1:30, but then the love of my life was up and out of sorts, awake but tired, couldn't stop worrying about work and other stuff that she has to deal with.

The positive side of this is that we got to be alone for a little bit, without the children between us. And what to married couples with children do when they get alone time without the kids? .... no, not nap, remember she was stressing, needed a stress reliever... *blush* ok, I can give her good stress relievers. Either that or she is pretending, so as not to hurt my feelings, but I doubt it.

Anyhow, about 3:30 we managed to get to sleep, and then the alarm goes off at 6:30am, gotta get up and head out to work. This sucks. But as I tell the oldest boy, no sympathy if it's self inflicted, and since I am now one body with my wife, her keeping me up logically constitutes self-inflicted. *did anybody but me follow that logic?*

So, despite the scattered focus of this entry, hi, I'm here, I'm not sure who I am. and I'm trying to find it all out. Good luck to me.