Stress, a revelation

I can affect the stress levels in my life.  *YAY*

Ok, for some of you, you have to know that this is a no-brainer kinda thing, of course a person can affect the stress levels in their own life...  Why wouldn't they be able to?

Well, here's some reasons why we can't...

1- the unconscious feeling of need.  You need to be connected, you need to be available, you need to be responsible, etc, etc.  Hands up, how many of you feel like this?

Here's a starter lesson:

On a more serious note however, Several things have come to me on how I am stressing out myself...  and what to do about them.  Because I am supposed to be working here however, I'll be back later to work the details of this out, and to reduce stress, I'm going to focus on work rather than screwing around doing this stuff.

Until Later
PDOC

I thought I was over being sick

As the title indicates, I did think I was over being sick, but here I sit, short of breath, flushed, and having trouble focusing.  I think I am going to have to clean up the kitchen, and them move the computer to the living room, where I can work with the boys around, and keep an eye on them...

Let me go start the dishes and get the laundry folded, then I'll get back to you.

well, it's hours later now (like three hours) and I've finally finished the dishes, the sun has come out, and the boys are outside playing on their bikes.  My wife has finally recovered and is awake ish, she called in sick today.  She's now peeling pears, and I have to go clean up the side deck and probably get to dealing with Firewood.  There's a whole pile of kindling as well as what I'd say is 3/4 of a cord of hardwood waiting to be split and dried ...

And now, it's almost one in the afternoon, what a fractured day.  To top it off, I could cheerfully go back to bed right now, kids and all, it's just irritating me and I want to be alone.

Anyhow, enough of my whining, what's your Sunday like?

Where do I go from here?

Recovering from having one helluva head cold,

today was a good day, kinda.  One of the older fellows at church died, that sucks.  But I got a good deal accomplished in spite of my sickness.

There is now a moderate pile of wood in the driveway, unfortunately I have to split and pile it yet, but it's here at least.  (I'd put a picture of it her but it's dark and my camera don't do well in the dark, if I remember tomorrow I"ll post one)

Helped wife's grandparent's move, and made commitment to move last couple of things for them shortly, (next couple of days or so, but it'll be on a day when I'm already going to SA for Work...

Other than that, my beautiful and moderately pregnant wife is learning how to operate on Ubuntu, slowly, she's now playing a game she found, and actually likes.

I guess that means that smelly me has to go have a shower, and get to bed...  I'll get up in the morning and do the writing I wanted to do...  I hope.

Dan.

Pursuing Excellence?

I think you must have me confused with somebody else.  I'm not perfect, and to strive for it is sheer insanity, madness I tell you.  umm... What I was talking about?

Oh right. Day two of being sick, and the last day I can afford to take off work for it.  I am sitting here, my wife just left with both boys for her first ultra-sound scan of the newest coming member of the family.  and I am supposed to be resting...  Well, if anybody else out there sees the flaw in this, please let me know I'm not alone.

Resting, yeah, not.  The dishes need done, there's about sixty pounds of pears on the counter to get canned tonight, I should clean up the living room, and then there's the writing thing that I was doing for recreating that got serious.

I do wonder how they're making out over there, seeing as nothing visible has changed in a few days, and the whole interface is down right now even facebook is offline.

I dunno, really.  I guess I'll leave the whole thing alone for a day or three, then see what's happening.  They said they're hoping to roll out to myspace soon, as well as several other networks, Bebo and other places like that, Hi5 comes to mind.

Regardless.  I think the point I was trying to make here was quite simply, what happens when our social crutches fall away?  When facebook, or heaven forbid, even the entire internet go offline?  How about the warm fuzzy feeling we have because the electricity works every day?  What happens when such systems fail?  How strongly does it affect us and the people around us?  Do you panic when these kind of things go down?  Or are you the type that just shrugs and gets on with the other work that needs done?

Personally, I thought I was the latter, but now it appears that I am not.  It looks like I am the former, I seem to be at loose ends when the server goes offline, even though I have loads of other stuff to do, showering and dishes seem to be foremost in my mind.  Excuse me while I go get something to eat and get to work.  Until later, when my brain has recovered from the double shock of medication and facebook failure.  

Dan Casey.

I'yse id sthiick

Yup.  It's the annual, I id sick day. or three or whatever.

I want sweets, and that's the last thing I need,  I want food, but don't know what kind, other than sweets,  I've taken meds, but they don't seem to be helping, and apparently I seem to have forgotten how to form correct sentences rather than these run on one's I'm using today.



I guess that's about it. I'm going to put some work clothes on, sweat a little unloading the truck, and then probably back inside to rest some more...

later.
Dan.

Thinking, always a distraction from the needs of a life well lived

Warning,  Mind turned loose on it's own, no adult supervision available at this point...

Yesterday was a bad day.  And a good one.  I am not sure how to patch things up with my wife, she's likely going to wake up mad at me, but such is life...  *sigh*  I need to take care of me, but her needs are so much _louder_ than mine.

Anyhow, her chief complaint yesterday was that I wasn't sensitive or compassionate enough towards her, and oddly enough I was feeling the same way about her towards me, no compassion, no consideration, etc, etc...  So naturally we ended up arguing.  Problem with this is that when she argues, she feels heard and feels better.  I end up getting migraines,  severe anxiety attacks, and really (I mean REALLY) seriously screwed up mentally, to the point of black thoughts of despair and suicide.  Now, I know what's going to be said here, she tells me all the time.

That's not her fault, I need to find professional help...  Yeah, been there done that, still doing it, and over and over and over.  Thing is, unless I completely divorce myself from her emotionally I am unable to maintain my mental stability around her, because she's not going to change, and doesn't care enough about us to bother seeing things from any perspective aside from the one she's currently holding.  She won't consider our world aside from her overwhelming needs and requirements, my feelings and my issues are not to be considered, (at least not until all of hers are dealt with).  Sorry if this sounds like frustration coming out, but it is frustration.  I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling, and how to approach what I am starting to feel is an impossible situation with  no resolution...

Sigh, back to work, I'll be back later on to continue.  Thanks for reading this far...

Associations

I'm sorry, I know I just dumped a whole pile of crap on here, personal issues, well not really, more like an expose of emotional interactions.  Regardless.

I have to share this moment.  Have you ever just had a momentary flash of a memory that was so overwhelming that your current reality was subsumed and completely obscured by the triggered memory?

I just took a sip of a freshly poured cup of coffee, and in that moment, as the hot coffee washed over my tough and tingled down my throat, I was smelling the marsh, the campfires and the horse dung from a point in my history.  Several (like more than ten) years ago I attended an SCA event called Golden Swan in Oliver BC, and the cool morning air, the bustle of campers getting ready to eat, the clank of fighters armoring up for battle, it was all more real than the office I am sitting in right now.

I am not sure what point I am trying to make here, but I had to share.

Until later.

Dan.

One of -Those- days

Morning,

It's now 9:55am on a Tuesday.  I was up half of the night, overslept and arrived at work 18 minutes late.  First bad thing.  Since that point, I've had three calls from my wife, who is having a less than perfect day with the boys.  To hear her tell it, it's purgatory, and they were sent to torment her until she does something drastic or worse.

I guess the one whom I was up half the night with (the second half, where I am supposed to be sleeping), not the first half where I get to do the work I need to do...  *sigh*
Anyhow, he woke up with a drippy diaper, and when he took that off, he proceeded to urinate all over his bedroom floor.  As well, there is laundry to do, and now all the beds need stripped and washed as well.  I think I'm going to need some making soda to clean things up.  I'll call and see if mom has any to spare and maybe pick  it up on the way home...

So the older boy, not sure what he at last night, but he's got diarrhea this morning.  Guess what, he didn't *quite* make it to the toilet,  so much for potty training.

I am really really feeling like I am going to have to go home before the end of the day, I would dearly love to get a call from Her saying that she'll leave most of it so I can deal with it when I get home, or alternatively that she's managed to get it all under control and things are fine.

Maybe I'll call her mother and see if she can go over and help her out for the day...?  Wonder if that's a good idea?  Probably not, it'll get me in trouble as well.. Everything gets me in trouble...  Everything.

I'm frustrated, and if I don't vent somewhere, then next time when she calls I'm going to end up snarling back her.  And as the three year old says, "That's not good!"


I guess my problem is that she's always dumping her personal issues and needs on me, and until I deal with them I can't get anything personally required done.  (my needs are shelved, mostly permanently, until her needs, complaints, etc, are dealt with.)

I've gotta run. Gotta get to work.  Until later.  Daniel.

Introspection

Hiya, No idea who's reading this, not really worried about who might be reading this.

What I need to say here is that I have come to a conclusion, a realization about self, and the nature of positive self-motivation, positive self-direction, that kind of thing.

I started up a facebook account the other day, (about half a month ago).  Doing that seems to be the single most foolish mistake I think I've ever perpetrated.  In essence, I am losing hours each day simply screwing around with these things.  I've become addicted to this game that I was initially only checking out to see how it worked.

So the first point is that the face that I'm sort-of hooked on an RPG game.  That in itself is something to consider, such a thing is hard to comprehend period.

Second point, I am obviously going to need to set strictures on myself with regards to playing around with this stuff.  I actually considered creating a secondary facebook account just so I could keep playing when I got run down or capped.  Again, kinda nuts.

Third Point.  I am having trouble actually getting down the the brass tacks of writing out the scenarios I have plotted.  I can't say for sure, but I am thinking that the program that I am trying to use to actually write the book isn't helping me at all.  I can use it to track the progress, the characters, but actually writing the SM's for the game isn't working out the way I'd hoped.  If I am going to be able to write the scenes at all, then it's going to have to be as I was writing them before, in a single block punched into a text file with the continues and all that in the single file.

*sighs*  I guess I'm just going to shut this down, and over the course of the next week I'll push out the intermediate hero sequences.  Then by the end the second week I can have the end of the Villain intermediates put in.  And finally after that, in October or earlier if I get the rest done before that, I can map out the larger story sequence, in vague detail, for both sides.

Alright, I've gotta get to bed here, I'm not going to get anything written tonight, so I'm going to shut this down, get to bed and work on being ready to get to work tomorrow for all that is and needs done.

Until I make more sense.

DOC

Oh the Irony

First, I do have to mention something before I forget it in the dross of my mind.

Earlier this evening I was evicted from my own recliner by my two year old son, for the overriding reason that he "want's to sit all by himself" to watch Diego.

Now, having said that in this forum, it's not nearly as frustrating or as humorous as it was when it happened.  But besides that interesting opening, today has been one big random flunk of time.  I've spent far too much of today getting wrapped up in the endspace of the series Battlestar Galactica.  It's an odd series, you can check out the overview from here
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlestar_Galactica_(2004_TV_series)
Don't you just love Wikipedia?

I'm honestly having a really hard time today in getting into the right frame of mind to write much of anything.  I think I am going to need to see the end of this series before I can really get anywhere.

And on that note, I'm going to stop playing with the thoughts of writing, and just let my mind go soft for the rest of tonight and tomorrow, then on Monday I'll get back to it.

Daniel Casey.

Kellie Pickler - Don't You Know You're Beautiful

This one goes out to my wife.

An Insight, Mid- Night

No, not midnight, not 12 am.

Midnight is a fine time to be awake, I often make that time before getting to go to sleep.  Right now it's more like four twenty in the morning.  I've been up since just before two, so mid-night.  The littlest one got up, not feeling well at all, so he's awake, thus because mommy is grumbling about having to get up at six to go to work, I get to stay up all night with this little one and then get up when the other one gets up at dawn.  *sigh*

I know life's not fair, but an equitable sharing of the misery might be nice.  When I have to work the next day she gets to sleep claiming that she has to be awake with them all day, and when she has to work she gets to claim that she needs her sleep because she has to be able to work, so either way I'm screwed.  Either I have to stay up with them because she needs rest to be able to deal with them, or I get to stay up all night because she needs rest so she can work the next day.

Which option involves me being allowed to sleep?

And while we're on the note of fair, what's this crap about she wants me to go hunting?  I can't even go to a meeting for two hours without her calling me to see when I'm going to be done and when I"ll be home, how the hell am I supposed to be able to take day or three and go hunting, where cellphones and such aren't permitted, and just running home can't be done.

Sorry, just had to let that last part out.  I'll go away now, hopefully the little one will be sleeping the next half hour and I can get back to sleep for the other two hours I'm going to be permitted this night.

The Fickle tides of emotion

Hi blog people.  I can't imagine who might be reading this, but that's part of today's post after all.  I'm not doing well today.  Depressed, tired, overwhelmed, ready to cry (yes I am a man, but real men don't care if people see them cry, it doesn't make them any less manly).

Oh God, where do I start today?

I am tired, really really tired.



Wow, I started this post on Thursday, it's now Sunday.  Funny how that works.  I'm sitting here before church thinking that I really should have a quick shower and get some food before Church.  The youngest one is sleeping, the middle one is watching Dora, and I guess the oldest one is at Grandma's still sleeping.

Back to topic however, I suppose I've worked through the depressed and tired part of this mess.  In short there's an issue with the oldest boy wanting to go live at his moms, the younger ones are both at demanding points in their development, the three year old is almost six (demands, and uncompromising so each conflict is a major problem) and the younger is cutting molars, and my bride is pregnant with the third of ours together, making four in total that I am now responsible for.

Here's some pics of them all.  This first picture is of my boys, it's kinda small but I think you can click through to the larger version. they're at Yard Creek BC here, checking out the salmon run. it's the first time my boys has seen the salmon running in the creeks.  Watching their excitement was intoxicating, I got to take them for this hike when we stopped to have lunch on our way to Revelstoke for camping at Blanket Creek.

That was the first time we tried to use the camper, and it seems to have worked alright, but I don't think it's the best option for all of us.  I am going to have to track down a smallish camper or a tent trailer or something, maybe I can make a tent trailer for us and the boys, the camper would have been good for two of us, but the five of us, (six soon) was squishy and problematic.

Another picture:  this one is just after we got set up at Blanket Creek campground, two of the boys and mommy are here, the other one, the littlest one is just off to the left, and in the foreground you see hamburger helper cooking on a campfire.  It was a good evening.  Everything went great until bedtime when the smallest one wanted to be safe and secure at home, even sleeping with mommy didn't help him.  Ah well, maybe next time...  So we survived the night, determined to play the tourist for Saturday, and head home for bedtime that night.  So we wen to see the train Museum in Revelstoke, and then went swimming at the new pool center they had there.

Here's a picture of all of them in front of the Train Museum.

And just for completeness, here's a picture of the campsite with my bride in it, as well as one of she and I, since I never end up in any of the pictures I take.

That's all for now, this trip happened a week ago, I'm still cleaning up from and recovering from it, as well as the writing stuff I'm trying to keep up on.

Cheers and God Bless.

DOC

Pictures, make what you will of them.

Pictures, make what you will of them.  I have little or no time for words here, so I'm going to resort to pictures that strike my fancy, maybe I'll come back and put words to these posts at a later date.  So far it's just going to be pictures and the occasional label.

Multi-tasking Cubed

Hiya blog surfers,

If you're reading this, I can't imagine why.  But regardless, my soul has been moved to post a thought or two today.  But first, a question.

"How much do you disassemble before you start fixing and putting things back together?"

I ask this because I am fixing both a truck-camper (one of them things that sit in the back of my truck), here's a picture. It don't look bad from the outside, but the insides suffer from moisture penetration, decades of neglect, and the usual wear and tear.  In short, aside from the framing and exterior (which I'll have to do some time later) I've done large chunks of the whole thing, including switching out the vents for new ones, pulling up the entire floor down to plywood, and replacing large chunks of the decayed interior paneling.

Now, to reference both the title and the question above, I'm doing the same thing with the house we bought four years ago.  I started the tear out and rebuild of that house when we bought it.  So far it's mostly done, with the odd bit here and there left to do, things like finishing up the trim, drywall repairs, the last little bit of the roof, etc, etc.

Most of the house is at the stage shown here in this picture, it's together, but not done.  It's been four years of hard work to this point, and I still need to get the kitchen, bathroom and whole exterior done, but I will get there.

Thus, I suppose the answer to the question above, "how much?" is that a father will do as much as is needed to get it right, if you take down the drywall and the joists are rotten, then you replace the joists, if you took down the joists only to find out the floor was ant-holed and rotten, then it all comes down and you start at the bottom and rebuild to the top.  (that was my course, *sigh*)

But I'm getting there, and I suppose that this post is to remind myself that despite being a full time accounting tech, a father of three, husband to a wife with needs, and general handyman for the whole world (yes I own a truck, and no I can't help this weekend, but you can borrow the truck if you really need it).  Oops, run on sentence.  Recap, it will get done, it might not look as nice as I want, but I'll get it done.  And with my wife's help in things like painting the camper and indeed the whole house, it will get done sooner.

I love you my Angel, we'll get through this, hopefully sooner than later.  but we'll get through things.

Your devoted if exhausted husband.

Progress Report - Roof

Umm..  where to start?  Usually the answer to that is "at teh bottom" or "at the beginning".

Both of these answers are WRONG in this situation.  I grumbled about fixing the roof a few posts ago,..  and then last post.

So, a quick update.  I had everything apart then it rained, remember that part?  and I started getting things back together a couple of days later.

Well, now the whole roof is in place, the timber framing is on (meaning the 2x6 boards are back up as rafters) and 3/4 of the sheetings is in place, now all I have left to do is recover from yesterday, pull the nails out of all the strapping, then paper and put the steel back down...

It never ends...  but I'm getting further down the path to completion.  I can see the roof being done, soon.  I do wish that my wife would understand that this is big to me.. but some things are bound to never change.  I'll be compensating for that detail until the boys leave home, then she's on her own when I need to do these things.

Until later.  I'll try to pop in tomorrow, maybe with some pics, to show how far I got tonight.

Bye.

Where does one start? Or end

Now that's a question.

I've had a couple of days that more closely resembled purgatory, or a trip to the mental institution, where they keep the serial nut cases. (no offense intended, I've been there myself, and it feels like I'm heading back soon)

Anyhow....  I have no idea who is who or what is what anymore...

I'm in the middle of trying to put the roof back together, and I can see where and how it has to go, but getting it there is turning out to be a little bit of a trick and a half.   (frustrating to say the least).

Anyhow, let's go chronological with what I can remember from my alleged mind.

Last Saturday, (the 17th of July) I managed to pick up the timber for restructuring the roof, and, in getting home I got the bulk of the roof apart.  then it rained, a little rain.  Alright, survived the rain, got things dried up, and went back up Sunday to work on it after church, got the rest of things taken up (sheeting and strapping etc, etc.) so now I'm ready for the rebuild.
Monday night, the three year old falls asleep early, and my wife takes the other one away so i can work.  I start working, first hammer swing wakes the three year old up.  so much for that idea.  Now I'm waiting for my wife to get home so I can go pick up the tools and secure the roof for the rain that is coming.
And rain it did.  All Tuesday...  That was NOT A GOOD DAY.  Rain pouring directly through the timber structure between the old and new portions of the house.  So picture this if you will.  I'm at work, and my wife is at home with rain pouring in, and two grumpy whining kids.  Towels everywhere, buckets trying to catch the water dropping from the support beams, it was generally not a very good day.  and while I am at work, she shares each and every blessed moment with me via cellphone.  (sometimes I regret owning a cellphone).

Ok, so we survive Tuesday, and foolish me, I am thinking that I need to get back on the roof and get it back together.  So I call in some help.  He shows up Wednesday, adn we get the timber and sheeting back over the kitchen portion of the home.  Not the other side, and no strapping, paper or steel down, but at least teh sheets are down.

then it's Thursday and I'm not able to get anything done, not a single ten minutes to work.  Had to do dinner, dishes, clean house, clean kids, put them to sleep, etc, etc.  Basically no support for my trying to get on the roof to get it finished.
Friday was a little better, but only just.  I started getting the rest of the roof up so that I could finish fixing it all.
Saturday was almost a complete write off, I got about three hours total on the roof.  Now we're at the point where I am ready to drop the rafters from over the covered deck. but it's party time.  the youngest is turning two today...  Yay, party.

But after the party all I hear is how worn out and tired everyone is, and that I have to stick around and watch the boys, deal with all the mess, etc, etc.  why can I not just do what I have to do.  Can't she understand how important this is?!

To top it off.  We fight, and I mean really get into it, or at least I do.  She's in tears and I'm completely unreasonable,  being a total ass about it.  I've had it.  I'm tired, overworked, stressed, and the roof is completely off, waiting for the next rainstorm.  But she wanted to take a nap, so I got frustrated and resentful.  Then things went downhill, she comes back from resting, feeling guilty and starts to get panicky and all the usual crap that goes with it.  I snapped, I truly wanted her out of my house at that point.

from them on down, I slid all the way to the bottom, ending in tears on the bathroom floor.  But it makes no difference, now that I've stopped crying, we're back at the "I can't get to doing the work I need to do" stage, and I'm going to snap again soon if this week goes like last week did.

So tonight I'm heading home, hopefully she's taken the boys and gone somewhere else so that I can actually work...

We'll see.

Until later,

Fragile and frustrated,

Dan Casey.

The daily grind makes me feel like flour

Hello, Overwhelmed handyman dad here.

We managed to come up with the money needed to finish off the roof this month, or at least the lumber costs.  Now I have to actually do the work.  it's about 35 degrees C outside, and I'm on a steel roof, dismanteling and rebuilding it.  How sane is that.  I'm just sitting down here to recover from the last two hours, then it's back to the  grind to do the next couple of hours.  I'll save this and come back to it tonight I suppose.

Cheers until then.

The point of birthday celebrations?

Are they supposed to be happy or sad occasions?

I guess it's all about what you think and how you look at life.  Me?  I tend to get all moody around birthdays, gloomy and feeling worthless.  I really don't know why.  Maybe it's just a self defense mechanism against being hurt again and again on that day that for most of my childhood was supposed to be a happy and joyous day.

Yes, I made it another year.  Hell as of tomorrow anyhow, I"ll officially be 34 years old, the key word here is old.

I suppose I'm not doing so badly.  I've got a house of sorts, a decent vehicle, three wonderful healthy boys, a wife who, (when she can get far enough out of her own head to remember my feelings), truly cares about me, (I think, see the first paragraph above about negativity).

But I'm getting older, I suppose I could consider myself to be around 40% of the way through my life at this point.  By the time the kids hit the end of high-school I'll be closer to the 60-70% mark, unless one of those unknown triggers is going to take me out earlier.

I often pray that such a thing will happen, but I'm not so sure that I believe in that.  I mean sure at the moment, I'm as bleak as can be, but then when I'm sitting back here and trying to make sense of it all, the reason and the overwhelming fatalistic mindset is hard to recognize as one coming from inside of me.  I wonder where I'm going with this all?

I'll be back in a short while, I need to think.

I am feeling like crap. It's my birthday and we're too broke to do anything, no presents, nothing.

My mother remembered and got me a kicking card, with a little amount of spending cash, but that'll have to go to the fuel tanks in the truck, as we're too strapped right now to cover. Oh and the fuel will be getting burned in order to help out cleaning out wife's little sister's house that she has to abandon for personal growth reasons. (I know that's kinda vague, but it's not my story, I'll write on it later maybe, but not for public consumption, sorry guys).

Anyhow, the point wasn't about all that, well, not directly anyhow. The round about thing here is this. I submitted an entry the other day to a quick little contest, not much for a purpose, just a quick challenge for coming up with an opening paragraph. So I did it. Put three and three together and came up with nine as it were.

But then today I find out that I didn't win the challenge, not even a mention, but to put it in perspective, only three got mentioned from the 13 or so that were actually valid entries. so I shouldn't be surprised.

I need to find a place that can help with useful reviews, so that I can get better at this writing thing.

And I need to concentrate on the smaller stories first, working my way up to the larger ones later on I suppose. The errors in translation would be a good start, it'll fit two of the submission places I have in mind, it's a story about the trials of popularity, leadership, and lone wolf type individuals being put in a place where they are required to lead the way out.

Anyhow, it's now time to stretch out and try to sleep a little before tomorrow hits my up side the head.

I have a dream

Morning, it's now 1:35 am and I'm working again, trying to get somebody's processing completed for them, so that they won't be late on their remittances.

But that's not what I'm writing tonight on.

I have a dream.  Oh, and I'm likely sleeping on the couch again.

Anyhow, the dream is to build a sailboat of significant size, 40-50 foot is a good range, for my wife and I to retreat to when the mood strikes.

I'm not really sure what the intention of stating such a dream publicly was, maybe when I read it later on I'll be able to put more useful words to it.  Right now I'm tired, it's 2 hours until full sun-up and I've gotta get up and do it all again...

Anyhow.

g'night.