The Love Dare Day 0-2

Thursday, January 21, 2010.

Life is interesting today.  I'll start by holding up the disclaimer in the front of the book.

Quoted:

Receive this as a warning,
This forty day journey cannot
be taken lightly.

It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly
fulfilling one.  To take this dare
requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination.

It is not meant to be sampled or briefly
tested, and those who quit early will
forfeit the greatest benefits.  If you
will commit to a day at a time for forty
days, the results could change your
life and your marriage.

Consider it a dare, from others
who have done it before you.

-end quote-


Now, my initial impulse was to type out the text of teh book here, but that's pointless, ifyou want to see the whole book, get it out of the library, or better yet, buy it,

here:
http://www.amazon.ca/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/1594152977/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264116332&sr=8-4

something like that  anyhow.

besides, there are copyright issues with reproducing an entire book like that.

On that note, I'll just slip away, have to go read some before bed.

Andre.

An interesting conflict.

Howdy all.  This post has little or nothing to do with the Love Dare, I'll post that one later on today.

The problem posed to me this morning is one of responsibility and obligation.  First, I'm on alright terms with my mother-in-law, as well as getting along quite well with my father-in-law.  The issue arises due to the fact than they have divorced and are separated (have been for decades now), and now the mother in law wants details on the father in law that shoudl I have access to, I cannot divulge.  Privacy issues, morality,  and all that stuff.

I'd like to do right by her, to help if I can, but even if I had access to the information she want's, I can't give it out to her.  She'd have to contact her ex husband directly for the information she want's.

So I'm stuck, can't help even though I want to.  I guess that's life.  Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel right at the time.  *sigh*  I guess I'll leave it alone.

Andre.

How on earth am I going to manage this?

Oh my dearest wife.  *snarl*

As I start to marginally recover from being the stumbling wreck that is the result of your husband's almost complete emotional and physical breakdown, I show the merest signs of improvement, I'm not crying hourly anymore, and so on.  Please note that I am still not getting enough sleep, still "burning the candle at both ends" having to be the responsible one who gets up with the teenager to get him off to school, as well as the one who is strong enough to stay up until the little one's go to bed.  As well as being the default one who gets up with them each and every NIGHT!!,  I am only barely holding my own against the overwhelming and crushing despair that threatens to overtake my sanity on an hourly basis.  So apparently because I'm not having hourly breakdowns in front of you, you feel the obligation to resume treating me in the manner of old, accusations, no moderation, no compassion, no caring, only the blunt and hurtful selfish manner that you have become so proficient at.

*** Removed due to content and selfish whining, I think.  After re-reading it, I felt that there was no point in holding it up here for all to see.  Sorry.  ***


Bye.

The Love Dare Day 0-3

so its not going to be as easy as I would like to do this.  if i could put the baby down then i would have a chance.  as it is,i'll have to quit ajd come ba,k to9 it when I am not so enjcumbered, until then.

So, here I sit, at work in the morning after I wrote those lines last night.  The boys were more work than I can possibly express here. they're both sick, they're both overtired from not sleeping right, and I am supposed to be taking care of them when I can't even keep up and sleep enough for myself.

Back to the main point.  I got this book out of the library, called "The Love Dare" by Stephen Kendrick.  It looks to be interesting.  It lays out a fourty day challenge, (hence the title line, I'm starting Saturday).

I need to get to work here, but I'll be back at lunch I hope, to add to this line of operation.  but then it'll be Day 0-2

until later, God Bless, Andre.

Insight from a therapist

Hi all.  I took a positive step sometime around the beginning of December and called in to mental health for a chance at working out some of my problems.

Topic jump.  Tonight is going to be a late night.  I am going to cut the trim for the bedroom, then plaster and then paint the boys room with primer after I spray the ceiling with the texture.  I can do this!  It'll be a late night, but it'll get done.  The colour is going to be done by the end of the weekend, and the trim by middle of next week for the boys room, and then the floor will be done by next weekend, and we'll be good, then I can move the boys in shortly after that.  We need two beds, the dressers, and the train table.  Once I get Connor out of the front room  I can repaint it and move the office into there so it's not in the living room, and I'll have to start burning DVD's to play in the players when we move the computer out of the living room.  Ok, I'm running wild with extrapolations here, have to drop this thread and get back to the therapist thing.

Ok, I started seeing the Therapist on December 10th, and the blog postings from about that time, (misery, desperation, despair, suicide thoughts) were how I presented to him.  and he was worried, since then I have seen him three times, the second was about the same as the first, and the third was a little better, but not much.  Then Christmas hit and wow, did my wife and I ever have some big arguments.  I was to blame for more than my fair share of them, regardless of how I rationalized them to myself at the time as somebody else's fault.  I have to be honest and own up to things here.  I can't be honest with people I'll likely never meet then I'd be sinking to a new low of self-deception.
Anyhow, the big arguments.  what I got out of them?  I feel as though I was actually heard,  kinda anyhow.  We still have problems with communication, but I suppose it's getting better, at least I feel less ignored now.

This weekend will be a telling point, with my hoping to get as much done on the house as I'd like, she's going shopping for most of Saturday with my mom.  That'll give me time to get it all moving and get quite a bit done that I'd otherwise not be able to manage with everybody underfoot.  The wood split for a start and a bunch more of it moved up to the main deck.  I'd like to pick up a bin for the wood that doesn't have an open bottom as well.
Man, I'm having trouble staying on topic here.  The point I was trying to make was that the appointment with the therapist just the other day was a telling one, I walked in and he asked me what changed, as he hadn't done much to help me, but I seemed better to him.  So one month, four appointments, and no useful input from him, but I seemed better.  He asked what changed and I didn't have an answer for him.  I hope to examine my internal self and come up with something approximating the answer that might be applicable.

So my problem was the ongoing level of increasing stress, and the fact that my wife deals with it the way she does, combined with the lack of sleep and the workload of both work and renovations in my home.  Add to that the demands of wood-stoves needing firewood and general maintenance, yeah, it's not surprising that I'm tired much of the time.  The fact that Coffee is starting to have very negative effects on me (Side note, I didn't manage to give up coffee, but the break from it probably did me some good).  So, I'm back drinking coffee, and my brain is singing along at about warp six or seven to use Star Trek jargon, and my heart is running about the same speed.   And I haven't even started drinking the Canadiana Coffee mom brought back from the coffee shop just now.
Bee right back, gotta make a tree stop.

Sorry, took me a little bit to get back to this.
So, in recap.  Yes, there's a reason I should be tired, two little kids a teenager, a high maintenance wife, and the usual guy stuff to deal with, a full time job and home renovations.  Duh, wonder why I'm even mobile in the mornings some days.

but why am I doing better than I was previously?
Probably a couple of things, first, I am getting a little more sleep, second I am starting to feel like we're a team again and that she listens to me (she's also calling and killing me less), and to dream is to pull oneself up out of the daily misery of this brutal and painful life.

Anyhow, it's now about 3:30 so I have to finish up what I'm doing and get outta here.

Take care, I'll talk to you all later.

Andre.

Well, I did it, but...

Umm.. yeah, I made the 50,000 goal.. yay.
first main point story is not finished, about 10k away or so at least.
second main point, I managed it while depressed as all hell.  Depression is taking a heavy hit out of me right now. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Getting yelled at because other people have problems is not cool.  It's manageable when it only happens occasionally, (once a month, at _that_ time or even every couple of weeks would constitute occasionally) but daily has taken a toll on my soul.

I am destroyed.  Each morning I work through the overwhelming funk, get out of bed and get started, only to have things go horribly sideways at some point and I get screamed at, attacked, insulted, etc, etc.  It is apparently enough to make a guy cry.  Seeing as how I am doing so on a semi-regular basis these days.

I just don't care much anymore.  The kids are wonderful, The wife actually apologized after blowing up at me over her issues of being hungry, overwhelmed, etc.  But it's too little, too late, and not often enough.
Her statement would be "She's trying" to make it work.  So one apology is supposed to rectify half a decade's worth of attacks and abuse?
I don't know what to think anymore.
I just want to cry, to curl up in a ball and stop being alive for a good bit of time.
The common counter to feeling suicidal is to point out that suicidal people only want to be happy again, and you can't be happy when you're dead.
Well, I don't want to be happy, I just want to stop being miserable, stop getting yelled at. Stop getting caught in situations that make me want to slip out of my skin and flow away down the drain.  I just want it all to stop.  That, in a nutshell, is why the issue has started coming up again.
But I can't tell her that, the one person I should be able to talk to in this world without recrimination, but I can't tell her this stuff.  She'll twist it all around and make me even worse.

God I wish I had some close emotional support.
Guess I'll bugger off and get to work here, there's hours of things I have to get done before I can go to bed yet.

Andre.

Sunday, November 1, All Saints Day.

Morning, if you can't tell from the post, I am a catholic.

I won't try to convert you, but I will voice my beliefs, and hope that the spirit will help you see the Truth.

It's now November 1st, I've cleaned up from breakfast, and figured out dinner, (have to put it together when I get back from church).

So as I stand here in the kitchen with a broken foot, watching the time, wondering if last night was in fact the fall time change, I am hoping to manage anothier 2000 words in the story this afternoon, then again tonight if I can.  I'd like to be at an official 6000 words for the Nanowrimo by tomorrow morning.

whoops, there goes the littlest one, he's kinda grumpy, I'm going to have to feed him again before we leave for church, and I have about 45 minutes.  I guess I'll stop screwing around here and go deal with that.

Until later.

Ardal.

NaNoWriMo

Hiya all.  (ok, I'm talking to myself again, but that's what happens when you are borderline nuts)

Anyhow, on another and totally related note, here I am and it's now about 20 minutes to 12 midnight October 31, 2009.

I Have Signed UP For NaNoWriMo.  (dispirited cheer at this point)

that stands for National Novel Writing Month.
what this means is that I have signed up to try to write at least 50,000 words of fiction by the end of November, and I've set up a countdown time on the main page here to track how long I have left. (at least I am going to set one up when I hit post here)

So, if you're interested in what I am writing, then ask me.  I've included the typical summary that I worked up before this whole thing started.  Not sure how close the finished product will turn out, but we'll see what happens hey?

Anyhow, the preview summary.

Synopsis: Caorann Loosed

In short there is a Fairie land (one of many, they exist independent of each other after all, and independent of our reality as well) that is under Crisis. The oldest daughter is currently out in the real world, at band camp of all things, when her twin brother links to her for an update, it's getting urgent back home, something needs to happen and soon.

So fairie land tied to real land, holds structure based on continuing cohesive structure of the original contract with ruling family of Connacht from Eire, say before the 1066 contract, (magna Carta? or something like that, I'm going to have to do a little study here). Ok, the land was, and will be, but the formed and usable aspect of it, (where the fairie live) came into being through a little finangling, due to the formation and recognition of the county of Connacht, and the continuation or stability of the land was tied to the reigning king of Connacht. As long as the reigning king of Connacht was in residence, and maintained the old gardens (specifically the Mountian Ash Grove) the fairie country was somewhat stable, it would be ok, but if the grove failed or was in flux then things got a little screwy in the fairie land, and now that the whole grove was taken down for development, had been gotten rid of, it's gone to pot entirely. the last defacto king was out of power in 1474, and the fairie land has been holding on since then only to crumble, the magic is slipping away, so now we need to reanchor somewhere else,

They end up tying to the family of Jake and Katie, through Allyiah and her friendship with Trin, so as to have the needed connection to the physical plane, without which they cannot continue. Then as things start to settle down, Allyiah starts to fail, the energies she's not aware of are being pulled out of her. A last second switch is needed, Allyiah is fading fast, the energies are only flowing one way. They have to link to something alive, with life energy to act as a beacon so that the fairie land can be anchored in this world, thus preserving it's very nature. Trin was here, and along with her twin brother, they were acting as a conduit to make it work for now, but she can't go back until this is cleared up and anchored.

I'm not sure how this will all work out, but that's a general outline/synopsis for those who want one. I know Fairie is kinda overdone and cheesy, but it's my first attempt, and I needed a relatively flexible structure on which to hang my characters that are the meat of any good story.

That's it.  I'm not worried about anybody stealing it.  The names are touchy, I am emotionally attached to them for other reasons, but you can't steal the novel that I have not written yet, so there we go.  But for those sticklers, yes, this is my work, no I didn't steal it or the idea of it from anywhere.  It came to me when watching the humming birds flit around the newly planted trees in the park across from my office at work.   Thats about it, and I'm down to 15 minutes until go time. I'll see you all at the finish line.  Ha-Rugh!

Andre.

A Poem, before I head for home and madness.

Written by William Wordsworth (what a good name for a poet hey?)

The World is Too Much With Us; Late and Soon

The world is too much with us; late a soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to teh moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not. - Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.




Too funny, it's hard to believe that this was written more than 100 years ago.  and yet,  it reflects our current culture issues perfectly.  we are prostituted out to our material lifestyle.  Our children know not the concept of delayed gratification, only that of being and having what they want, when they want.

Our drive forward to a better life has completely obliterated the very thing it was trying to achieve.  We now work so hard that we don't have anything left.  We have better cars, bigger houses, more plentiful food, and yet, overall health is failing, families are falling apart, and nobody is willing to stand up and just be a good person.  To help is to open one's self up to the liability suits of those too petty to simply say "Thank-you; I know I am still hospitalized, but I realize you did your best for me, without hope of reward, so thanks."  Instead they turn it around, and go on a spree, spreading hurt and accusations, liability and guilt, blaming everyone instead of taking personal responsability for their actions and behaviour.

Ok, I'll hop down from the soapbox now.  Gotta get home and spend some time with the family that is trying so hard to get away from me.

Andre.

Hiya, a long night, and a longer day.

Well, this blog was initially set up as a place for me to vent and blow off steam, essentially complaining about life and it's injustices, and why I felt it should be fair to me, rather than treating me like a filled diaper.

But when looking back at my intentions, that seems rather childish, and as I'm now on the high side of 30, it's time to face the standard truth.  Life is not fair, cope.  Stop whining, and get on with it.

True, my 12 year old is hard to deal with, and has a childish streak that I often want to smack out the other side of his head.  the toddler and his little brother are maddeningly awake late into the night and up earlier and earlier each day it seems.  Oh, and we can't forget the wife who is in the middle of the standard 20 something "what is the point, and why don't I matter" swing.

I guess the standard perspective is "who are these kids and why are they calling me dad?"

This is going on three years of not enough sleep.  Last night I got the 2.8 year old to sleep at 11:30, the 1 year old was up by midnight, and back down by 1:30, but then the love of my life was up and out of sorts, awake but tired, couldn't stop worrying about work and other stuff that she has to deal with.

The positive side of this is that we got to be alone for a little bit, without the children between us.  And what to married couples with children do when they get alone time without the kids? ....   no, not nap, remember she was stressing, needed a stress reliever...  *blush*  ok, I can give her good stress relievers. Either that or she is pretending, so as not to hurt my feelings, but I doubt it.

Anyhow, about 3:30 we managed to get to sleep, and then the alarm goes off at 6:30am, gotta get up and head out to work.  This sucks.  But as I tell the oldest boy, no sympathy if it's self inflicted, and since I am now one body with my wife, her keeping me up logically constitutes self-inflicted.  *did anybody but me follow that logic?*

So, despite the scattered focus of this entry, hi, I'm here, I'm not sure who I am.  and I'm trying to find it all out.  Good luck to me.