Well, I did it, but...

Umm.. yeah, I made the 50,000 goal.. yay.
first main point story is not finished, about 10k away or so at least.
second main point, I managed it while depressed as all hell.  Depression is taking a heavy hit out of me right now. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Getting yelled at because other people have problems is not cool.  It's manageable when it only happens occasionally, (once a month, at _that_ time or even every couple of weeks would constitute occasionally) but daily has taken a toll on my soul.

I am destroyed.  Each morning I work through the overwhelming funk, get out of bed and get started, only to have things go horribly sideways at some point and I get screamed at, attacked, insulted, etc, etc.  It is apparently enough to make a guy cry.  Seeing as how I am doing so on a semi-regular basis these days.

I just don't care much anymore.  The kids are wonderful, The wife actually apologized after blowing up at me over her issues of being hungry, overwhelmed, etc.  But it's too little, too late, and not often enough.
Her statement would be "She's trying" to make it work.  So one apology is supposed to rectify half a decade's worth of attacks and abuse?
I don't know what to think anymore.
I just want to cry, to curl up in a ball and stop being alive for a good bit of time.
The common counter to feeling suicidal is to point out that suicidal people only want to be happy again, and you can't be happy when you're dead.
Well, I don't want to be happy, I just want to stop being miserable, stop getting yelled at. Stop getting caught in situations that make me want to slip out of my skin and flow away down the drain.  I just want it all to stop.  That, in a nutshell, is why the issue has started coming up again.
But I can't tell her that, the one person I should be able to talk to in this world without recrimination, but I can't tell her this stuff.  She'll twist it all around and make me even worse.

God I wish I had some close emotional support.
Guess I'll bugger off and get to work here, there's hours of things I have to get done before I can go to bed yet.

Andre.

Sunday, November 1, All Saints Day.

Morning, if you can't tell from the post, I am a catholic.

I won't try to convert you, but I will voice my beliefs, and hope that the spirit will help you see the Truth.

It's now November 1st, I've cleaned up from breakfast, and figured out dinner, (have to put it together when I get back from church).

So as I stand here in the kitchen with a broken foot, watching the time, wondering if last night was in fact the fall time change, I am hoping to manage anothier 2000 words in the story this afternoon, then again tonight if I can.  I'd like to be at an official 6000 words for the Nanowrimo by tomorrow morning.

whoops, there goes the littlest one, he's kinda grumpy, I'm going to have to feed him again before we leave for church, and I have about 45 minutes.  I guess I'll stop screwing around here and go deal with that.

Until later.

Ardal.