The point of birthday celebrations?

Are they supposed to be happy or sad occasions?

I guess it's all about what you think and how you look at life.  Me?  I tend to get all moody around birthdays, gloomy and feeling worthless.  I really don't know why.  Maybe it's just a self defense mechanism against being hurt again and again on that day that for most of my childhood was supposed to be a happy and joyous day.

Yes, I made it another year.  Hell as of tomorrow anyhow, I"ll officially be 34 years old, the key word here is old.

I suppose I'm not doing so badly.  I've got a house of sorts, a decent vehicle, three wonderful healthy boys, a wife who, (when she can get far enough out of her own head to remember my feelings), truly cares about me, (I think, see the first paragraph above about negativity).

But I'm getting older, I suppose I could consider myself to be around 40% of the way through my life at this point.  By the time the kids hit the end of high-school I'll be closer to the 60-70% mark, unless one of those unknown triggers is going to take me out earlier.

I often pray that such a thing will happen, but I'm not so sure that I believe in that.  I mean sure at the moment, I'm as bleak as can be, but then when I'm sitting back here and trying to make sense of it all, the reason and the overwhelming fatalistic mindset is hard to recognize as one coming from inside of me.  I wonder where I'm going with this all?

I'll be back in a short while, I need to think.

I am feeling like crap. It's my birthday and we're too broke to do anything, no presents, nothing.

My mother remembered and got me a kicking card, with a little amount of spending cash, but that'll have to go to the fuel tanks in the truck, as we're too strapped right now to cover. Oh and the fuel will be getting burned in order to help out cleaning out wife's little sister's house that she has to abandon for personal growth reasons. (I know that's kinda vague, but it's not my story, I'll write on it later maybe, but not for public consumption, sorry guys).

Anyhow, the point wasn't about all that, well, not directly anyhow. The round about thing here is this. I submitted an entry the other day to a quick little contest, not much for a purpose, just a quick challenge for coming up with an opening paragraph. So I did it. Put three and three together and came up with nine as it were.

But then today I find out that I didn't win the challenge, not even a mention, but to put it in perspective, only three got mentioned from the 13 or so that were actually valid entries. so I shouldn't be surprised.

I need to find a place that can help with useful reviews, so that I can get better at this writing thing.

And I need to concentrate on the smaller stories first, working my way up to the larger ones later on I suppose. The errors in translation would be a good start, it'll fit two of the submission places I have in mind, it's a story about the trials of popularity, leadership, and lone wolf type individuals being put in a place where they are required to lead the way out.

Anyhow, it's now time to stretch out and try to sleep a little before tomorrow hits my up side the head.

I have a dream

Morning, it's now 1:35 am and I'm working again, trying to get somebody's processing completed for them, so that they won't be late on their remittances.

But that's not what I'm writing tonight on.

I have a dream.  Oh, and I'm likely sleeping on the couch again.

Anyhow, the dream is to build a sailboat of significant size, 40-50 foot is a good range, for my wife and I to retreat to when the mood strikes.

I'm not really sure what the intention of stating such a dream publicly was, maybe when I read it later on I'll be able to put more useful words to it.  Right now I'm tired, it's 2 hours until full sun-up and I've gotta get up and do it all again...

Anyhow.

g'night.

The Pen V.S. The Sword

Morning everyone, ...  Hello?

ah well, a good turnout again.  *grin*  Guess I'll talk to myself, seeing as how the post today is reflective of that point anyhow.

The Pen [keyboard?] is mightier than the Sword.  An odd statement for one who is obsessive about nobility and chivalry.

But there you have it.

A sword can topple or claim a kingdom, occasionally with the help of an army, but nevertheless a sword can forge a kingdom, with or without a vision.  A man of ambition can simply force his way to the top [as long as he doesn't get himself killed in the process].

A pen can, with the help of lively mind, form an opinion, a theory, a kingdom [just like the sword] or a whole world, universe, etc.
This kind of power seems too large for one person to handle, but there are built in limitations.  The talent of forming a person, a world or a story is commonly paired with a form of mental affliction.  First, the skill or talent of doing so is often not one that a person can consciously control.  I mean there are people who through sheer doggedness determination and developed skill can create consistent formats, stories and characters that will appeal to the reader and will sell, but I honestly don't fall into that category [yet], so the voices seem to create themselves and then just bug me until I can tell their story.  I guess I just gave the second point body as well.  Funny, this wasn't how I intended the monologue to go.

V2 - Monologue?  What the hell are you talking about?  I suppose you thought you were going to sit down and talk about us without so much as asking our leave?  Thoughtless twit, Voice 4 and I are going to make you pay for that.

V4 - (nasal male voice) What's this?  I'm going to do what?  *sighs* We've talked about this before V2.  You can't just presume on my goodwill.  Sorry about this Lead Voice.

ME - Would you all just be quiet.  Dang.  No!  I didn't consult with you if it was alright to talk about you.  I'm trying to explain how you need to have your story told, and how such a situation causes the writer, within whose head you take up residence, no end of distress until said writer can get your story out.

V4 - V2?  You dragged me back from my contemplation of flower pollen for this crap.  V1, V3?  where are you guys, why can you keep V2 settled down for a bit so that I can have my down time?

V3 - (feminine voice) - I trying to help, but V2 just ran right over me.
 V4 - *BIG mental sigh* I know, V2 is powerful, but where's V1, he can keep the upstart in line.

V2 - (mollified, hesitantly) He said something about having to work on his car.

V4 - (exasperated to near shrieking) His car? He's an imaginary voice in this guy's head!

ME - Enough! You're kind of like ghosts, annoying as hell, but not really effective.  Now, stop it!

All the other Voices, (except V1, who apparently is out fixing his car) "Sorry."

ME - That's better, now if you keep jockeying for airtime, then I'll never get your story out and you'll be stuck inside my head forever!  Is that what you want?

All - God forbid, it's creepy in here, what with all these voices bouncing around.  It's like trying to live in a nuthouse.

ME  - Right!  So Quiet, or I'll just shelf you until you are willing to behave.  I have toddlers, I can ignore any amount of whining you come up with.  Now, go find something to do, I have to finish this post so I can get back to work.

* * *
Sorry about that blog readers, had some housekeeping to deal with.
Where was I?  Oh right, the issues with multiple voices in one's own head, and the blessing/curse that such residents pose.

I guess trying to explain that after the above exchange is somewhat redundant.  I'll go away now and try to keep them quiet while I finish up work for the day.

Shifting Priorities, Changing Perspectives

I've been a grouch, grumpy and resentful of my life, and all the people in it.  And that's not fair to those people whom I have to share air and energy space with.

So, to my wife, I'm sorry for my attitude of late, I see the error of my ways, and God willing, I will keep the focus foremost in my mind, and try to let go of all the other negative crap.  I know you're life is as hard as mine, Heck I hear the issues I'm grumbling about coming out of your mouth more often than mine, so I will do what I can to make your travels through this difficult period easier in whatever manner I may.

And to my eldest son, I really don't know where to start guy.  I am sorry about last night, I was short tempered and that was not fair to you.  You did good about cleaning up your room, I'm proud of you for that.  Your younger brothers were being a handful and I was completely in the wrong frame of mind to deal with it, that's my fault, not yours.

On another note, I've just this morning stumbled on a story thought, but I need to talk to you about it, I need your insight on the topic. I'll e-mail you tonight about it, unless we manage to get to talk about it before that.

Anyhow, I have to get to work here before I get fired.

Take care all of you,

Love  Dad.