The truth is that despite all the good intentions, I seem to have let this one fall by the wayside, and it's killing me. I'm frustrated, and I don't feel like my life is my own, or even partly my own anymore, I'm just overwhelmed and tired all of the time. Work isn't supposed to be an escape, but lately it is just that. I am simply too swamped with everything I have to do at home that there is no time left for anything else, unless I stay up way to dang late, like tonight.
I'll try to get a brief overview of the book tonight, and then I'll have to see if I'm still up to trying to make teh grade on this, but at this point I really don't know if I am.
Until then, I'm out.
Andre.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Olympic flame procession shuts down thought processes of town
You heard it right, the collective brains of Salmon Arm appear to have been shut off for today, with all the hype and marketing happening which surrounds this:
You can see the top half of the Olympic torch just to the right of the tall blond girls head (right hand side of the picture).
Here is a better shot of it. See the tiny flame thing in the front of the stage, probably not. It's ok, it took me five minutes to find the flame in this picture as well.
And of course there's all the hype and energy they're trying to get happening surrounding the lighting ceremony, Hell, after they had the lighting ceremony, I gave up and came back here. The crowd's insanely packed there, see? >>>
Oh and the music is painfully loud. So here I sit, with a pair of tylenol in me, hoping that the headache will recede soon so I can function normally again.
What did I personally get from this ceremony? Well, it's loud, and it is good for civic pride and spirit, but ultimately it's a colossal waste of resources and money on something that benefits only a few at the cost of the many, and all for this little ceremony? See him light the cauldron, yay.
I am not going to preach about this. I feel only a slight irritation about this whole process, it's an hour of wasted time in my life. I know it's a once in a lifetime occurrence, but I just don't care. I'm hungry, I think I'll go for lunch.
You can see the top half of the Olympic torch just to the right of the tall blond girls head (right hand side of the picture).
Here is a better shot of it. See the tiny flame thing in the front of the stage, probably not. It's ok, it took me five minutes to find the flame in this picture as well.
And of course there's all the hype and energy they're trying to get happening surrounding the lighting ceremony, Hell, after they had the lighting ceremony, I gave up and came back here. The crowd's insanely packed there, see? >>>
What did I personally get from this ceremony? Well, it's loud, and it is good for civic pride and spirit, but ultimately it's a colossal waste of resources and money on something that benefits only a few at the cost of the many, and all for this little ceremony? See him light the cauldron, yay.
I am not going to preach about this. I feel only a slight irritation about this whole process, it's an hour of wasted time in my life. I know it's a once in a lifetime occurrence, but I just don't care. I'm hungry, I think I'll go for lunch.
Wednesday January 27, 2010
Sorry about the title, I felt the need to post right now, not complain or whine about things, just post. but I have no title in mind.
I'm tired, dear God I am tired, and it's almost one AM as I write this, I should really be getting off to bed, hell, if I'd gone to bed with my wife we might have had a chance to do something. But as it is, they were up, she was tired, and it just didn't work out that way. I think I'll put this blog link up where the kids and others can see it, maybe the oldest boy will actually start to talk to me if I do something as cool as blogging.
Why do I feel so distant from him. I know I ride him on occasion, but that's my job. It would be nice if he didn't fight as much with me about it, but I guess I should get used to it.
I wonder how I can come up with 10k in the next three months? Doubt it is even possible, but I wonder.
I might start by selling the Dodge for a couple grand, and the damned mustang for another 800 or so. It'd be nice to have that kind of money in the bank, but.... well, you know how it is.
The reason that this comes up is that there has recently been a sailboat come on the market in the local area, for ten thousand dollars, it's not worth it, but that's what he's asking for it. It's about the right size, and it would work around here, mostly anyhow. but for that kind of money, I can head to the lower mainland and pick up something in much better shape, or simply much better to handle the waters around here than a lead mine sloop rigged cabin cruiser.
Jumping topics, because I have to let that one sit for a little bit. It's now getting close to tax season here in Canada, and being in the accounting trade, I am feeling the pressure to get things dealt with before the madness hits. But my question to the population at large is this,
Why do people (not you of course, but most people) try to get away with something only at the very end of the sequence. if you know you're going to end up paying taxes on that nice little extra cash job you took, then why not plan accordingly and take the right steps to minimize that tax? Once you end up at your accountant's office, we've already done every legal thing to bring your taxes down to the minimum possible payable amount, so don't then go about blaming us for having not planned earlier (again, this is hypothetical, not aimed at you).
And finally, a little quip on the olympic flame that's coming through town tomorrow (for those of you enterprising people, you can figure out where I live from that, you just have to find a site that show's the torch's dates and towns)
So, this Olympic torch supposedly carries the flame that was kindled in Greece how many years ago? And while I applaud the achievements of the atheletes that have made it that far, I have to ask why so much extra money is spent on making this huge venue for the Olympics, so much so that every four years a new location is driven into bankruptcy or massive debt merely for the purpose of hosting the Olympic games.
Keeping in mind that I do tend to focus on numbers more than some, but does this make any kind of sense?
I mean, granted there are countries that thrive on this kind of thing, but in Canada we are not supposed to have an authoritarian government, but in the course of approving and preparing for the Olympic Games, this same government has cut health care systems by 20% (approx), they've refurbished the Sea-to-Sky highway, (now they're going to put a toll on it to pay for the upgrades) and they've simply gone way to heavy handed concerning the actual events and society as a whole while the games are taking place. you can't even reference the games without paying the piper so to speak.
So, if in some way this constitites a violation of one of those obscure little laws, then I am sorry, and you can try to sue me, but I'm worth more dead than alive right now, so no luck.
Alright, I'm falling asleep sitting here typing, makes words hard to put down. I'm off to bed, talk to you again soon.
Andre.
I'm tired, dear God I am tired, and it's almost one AM as I write this, I should really be getting off to bed, hell, if I'd gone to bed with my wife we might have had a chance to do something. But as it is, they were up, she was tired, and it just didn't work out that way. I think I'll put this blog link up where the kids and others can see it, maybe the oldest boy will actually start to talk to me if I do something as cool as blogging.
Why do I feel so distant from him. I know I ride him on occasion, but that's my job. It would be nice if he didn't fight as much with me about it, but I guess I should get used to it.
I wonder how I can come up with 10k in the next three months? Doubt it is even possible, but I wonder.
I might start by selling the Dodge for a couple grand, and the damned mustang for another 800 or so. It'd be nice to have that kind of money in the bank, but.... well, you know how it is.
The reason that this comes up is that there has recently been a sailboat come on the market in the local area, for ten thousand dollars, it's not worth it, but that's what he's asking for it. It's about the right size, and it would work around here, mostly anyhow. but for that kind of money, I can head to the lower mainland and pick up something in much better shape, or simply much better to handle the waters around here than a lead mine sloop rigged cabin cruiser.
Jumping topics, because I have to let that one sit for a little bit. It's now getting close to tax season here in Canada, and being in the accounting trade, I am feeling the pressure to get things dealt with before the madness hits. But my question to the population at large is this,
Why do people (not you of course, but most people) try to get away with something only at the very end of the sequence. if you know you're going to end up paying taxes on that nice little extra cash job you took, then why not plan accordingly and take the right steps to minimize that tax? Once you end up at your accountant's office, we've already done every legal thing to bring your taxes down to the minimum possible payable amount, so don't then go about blaming us for having not planned earlier (again, this is hypothetical, not aimed at you).
And finally, a little quip on the olympic flame that's coming through town tomorrow (for those of you enterprising people, you can figure out where I live from that, you just have to find a site that show's the torch's dates and towns)
So, this Olympic torch supposedly carries the flame that was kindled in Greece how many years ago? And while I applaud the achievements of the atheletes that have made it that far, I have to ask why so much extra money is spent on making this huge venue for the Olympics, so much so that every four years a new location is driven into bankruptcy or massive debt merely for the purpose of hosting the Olympic games.
Keeping in mind that I do tend to focus on numbers more than some, but does this make any kind of sense?
I mean, granted there are countries that thrive on this kind of thing, but in Canada we are not supposed to have an authoritarian government, but in the course of approving and preparing for the Olympic Games, this same government has cut health care systems by 20% (approx), they've refurbished the Sea-to-Sky highway, (now they're going to put a toll on it to pay for the upgrades) and they've simply gone way to heavy handed concerning the actual events and society as a whole while the games are taking place. you can't even reference the games without paying the piper so to speak.
So, if in some way this constitites a violation of one of those obscure little laws, then I am sorry, and you can try to sue me, but I'm worth more dead than alive right now, so no luck.
Alright, I'm falling asleep sitting here typing, makes words hard to put down. I'm off to bed, talk to you again soon.
Andre.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The Love Dare Day 0-2
Thursday, January 21, 2010.
Life is interesting today. I'll start by holding up the disclaimer in the front of the book.
Quoted:
Receive this as a warning,
This forty day journey cannot
be taken lightly.
It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly
fulfilling one. To take this dare
requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination.
It is not meant to be sampled or briefly
tested, and those who quit early will
forfeit the greatest benefits. If you
will commit to a day at a time for forty
days, the results could change your
life and your marriage.
Consider it a dare, from others
who have done it before you.
-end quote-
Now, my initial impulse was to type out the text of teh book here, but that's pointless, ifyou want to see the whole book, get it out of the library, or better yet, buy it,
here:
http://www.amazon.ca/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/1594152977/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264116332&sr=8-4
something like that anyhow.
besides, there are copyright issues with reproducing an entire book like that.
On that note, I'll just slip away, have to go read some before bed.
Andre.
Life is interesting today. I'll start by holding up the disclaimer in the front of the book.
Quoted:
Receive this as a warning,
This forty day journey cannot
be taken lightly.
It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly
fulfilling one. To take this dare
requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination.
It is not meant to be sampled or briefly
tested, and those who quit early will
forfeit the greatest benefits. If you
will commit to a day at a time for forty
days, the results could change your
life and your marriage.
Consider it a dare, from others
who have done it before you.
-end quote-
Now, my initial impulse was to type out the text of teh book here, but that's pointless, ifyou want to see the whole book, get it out of the library, or better yet, buy it,
here:
http://www.amazon.ca/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/1594152977/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264116332&sr=8-4
something like that anyhow.
besides, there are copyright issues with reproducing an entire book like that.
On that note, I'll just slip away, have to go read some before bed.
Andre.
An interesting conflict.
Howdy all. This post has little or nothing to do with the Love Dare, I'll post that one later on today.
The problem posed to me this morning is one of responsibility and obligation. First, I'm on alright terms with my mother-in-law, as well as getting along quite well with my father-in-law. The issue arises due to the fact than they have divorced and are separated (have been for decades now), and now the mother in law wants details on the father in law that shoudl I have access to, I cannot divulge. Privacy issues, morality, and all that stuff.
I'd like to do right by her, to help if I can, but even if I had access to the information she want's, I can't give it out to her. She'd have to contact her ex husband directly for the information she want's.
So I'm stuck, can't help even though I want to. I guess that's life. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel right at the time. *sigh* I guess I'll leave it alone.
Andre.
The problem posed to me this morning is one of responsibility and obligation. First, I'm on alright terms with my mother-in-law, as well as getting along quite well with my father-in-law. The issue arises due to the fact than they have divorced and are separated (have been for decades now), and now the mother in law wants details on the father in law that shoudl I have access to, I cannot divulge. Privacy issues, morality, and all that stuff.
I'd like to do right by her, to help if I can, but even if I had access to the information she want's, I can't give it out to her. She'd have to contact her ex husband directly for the information she want's.
So I'm stuck, can't help even though I want to. I guess that's life. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel right at the time. *sigh* I guess I'll leave it alone.
Andre.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
How on earth am I going to manage this?
Oh my dearest wife. *snarl*
As I start to marginally recover from being the stumbling wreck that is the result of your husband's almost complete emotional and physical breakdown, I show the merest signs of improvement, I'm not crying hourly anymore, and so on. Please note that I am still not getting enough sleep, still "burning the candle at both ends" having to be the responsible one who gets up with the teenager to get him off to school, as well as the one who is strong enough to stay up until the little one's go to bed. As well as being the default one who gets up with them each and every NIGHT!!, I am only barely holding my own against the overwhelming and crushing despair that threatens to overtake my sanity on an hourly basis. So apparently because I'm not having hourly breakdowns in front of you, you feel the obligation to resume treating me in the manner of old, accusations, no moderation, no compassion, no caring, only the blunt and hurtful selfish manner that you have become so proficient at.
*** Removed due to content and selfish whining, I think. After re-reading it, I felt that there was no point in holding it up here for all to see. Sorry. ***
Bye.
As I start to marginally recover from being the stumbling wreck that is the result of your husband's almost complete emotional and physical breakdown, I show the merest signs of improvement, I'm not crying hourly anymore, and so on. Please note that I am still not getting enough sleep, still "burning the candle at both ends" having to be the responsible one who gets up with the teenager to get him off to school, as well as the one who is strong enough to stay up until the little one's go to bed. As well as being the default one who gets up with them each and every NIGHT!!, I am only barely holding my own against the overwhelming and crushing despair that threatens to overtake my sanity on an hourly basis. So apparently because I'm not having hourly breakdowns in front of you, you feel the obligation to resume treating me in the manner of old, accusations, no moderation, no compassion, no caring, only the blunt and hurtful selfish manner that you have become so proficient at.
*** Removed due to content and selfish whining, I think. After re-reading it, I felt that there was no point in holding it up here for all to see. Sorry. ***
Bye.
The Love Dare Day 0-3
so its not going to be as easy as I would like to do this. if i could put the baby down then i would have a chance. as it is,i'll have to quit ajd come ba,k to9 it when I am not so enjcumbered, until then.
So, here I sit, at work in the morning after I wrote those lines last night. The boys were more work than I can possibly express here. they're both sick, they're both overtired from not sleeping right, and I am supposed to be taking care of them when I can't even keep up and sleep enough for myself.
Back to the main point. I got this book out of the library, called "The Love Dare" by Stephen Kendrick. It looks to be interesting. It lays out a fourty day challenge, (hence the title line, I'm starting Saturday).
I need to get to work here, but I'll be back at lunch I hope, to add to this line of operation. but then it'll be Day 0-2
until later, God Bless, Andre.
So, here I sit, at work in the morning after I wrote those lines last night. The boys were more work than I can possibly express here. they're both sick, they're both overtired from not sleeping right, and I am supposed to be taking care of them when I can't even keep up and sleep enough for myself.
Back to the main point. I got this book out of the library, called "The Love Dare" by Stephen Kendrick. It looks to be interesting. It lays out a fourty day challenge, (hence the title line, I'm starting Saturday).
I need to get to work here, but I'll be back at lunch I hope, to add to this line of operation. but then it'll be Day 0-2
until later, God Bless, Andre.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Insight from a therapist
Hi all. I took a positive step sometime around the beginning of December and called in to mental health for a chance at working out some of my problems.
Topic jump. Tonight is going to be a late night. I am going to cut the trim for the bedroom, then plaster and then paint the boys room with primer after I spray the ceiling with the texture. I can do this! It'll be a late night, but it'll get done. The colour is going to be done by the end of the weekend, and the trim by middle of next week for the boys room, and then the floor will be done by next weekend, and we'll be good, then I can move the boys in shortly after that. We need two beds, the dressers, and the train table. Once I get Connor out of the front room I can repaint it and move the office into there so it's not in the living room, and I'll have to start burning DVD's to play in the players when we move the computer out of the living room. Ok, I'm running wild with extrapolations here, have to drop this thread and get back to the therapist thing.
Ok, I started seeing the Therapist on December 10th, and the blog postings from about that time, (misery, desperation, despair, suicide thoughts) were how I presented to him. and he was worried, since then I have seen him three times, the second was about the same as the first, and the third was a little better, but not much. Then Christmas hit and wow, did my wife and I ever have some big arguments. I was to blame for more than my fair share of them, regardless of how I rationalized them to myself at the time as somebody else's fault. I have to be honest and own up to things here. I can't be honest with people I'll likely never meet then I'd be sinking to a new low of self-deception.
Anyhow, the big arguments. what I got out of them? I feel as though I was actually heard, kinda anyhow. We still have problems with communication, but I suppose it's getting better, at least I feel less ignored now.
This weekend will be a telling point, with my hoping to get as much done on the house as I'd like, she's going shopping for most of Saturday with my mom. That'll give me time to get it all moving and get quite a bit done that I'd otherwise not be able to manage with everybody underfoot. The wood split for a start and a bunch more of it moved up to the main deck. I'd like to pick up a bin for the wood that doesn't have an open bottom as well.
Man, I'm having trouble staying on topic here. The point I was trying to make was that the appointment with the therapist just the other day was a telling one, I walked in and he asked me what changed, as he hadn't done much to help me, but I seemed better to him. So one month, four appointments, and no useful input from him, but I seemed better. He asked what changed and I didn't have an answer for him. I hope to examine my internal self and come up with something approximating the answer that might be applicable.
So my problem was the ongoing level of increasing stress, and the fact that my wife deals with it the way she does, combined with the lack of sleep and the workload of both work and renovations in my home. Add to that the demands of wood-stoves needing firewood and general maintenance, yeah, it's not surprising that I'm tired much of the time. The fact that Coffee is starting to have very negative effects on me (Side note, I didn't manage to give up coffee, but the break from it probably did me some good). So, I'm back drinking coffee, and my brain is singing along at about warp six or seven to use Star Trek jargon, and my heart is running about the same speed. And I haven't even started drinking the Canadiana Coffee mom brought back from the coffee shop just now.
Bee right back, gotta make a tree stop.
Sorry, took me a little bit to get back to this.
So, in recap. Yes, there's a reason I should be tired, two little kids a teenager, a high maintenance wife, and the usual guy stuff to deal with, a full time job and home renovations. Duh, wonder why I'm even mobile in the mornings some days.
but why am I doing better than I was previously?
Probably a couple of things, first, I am getting a little more sleep, second I am starting to feel like we're a team again and that she listens to me (she's also calling and killing me less), and to dream is to pull oneself up out of the daily misery of this brutal and painful life.
Anyhow, it's now about 3:30 so I have to finish up what I'm doing and get outta here.
Take care, I'll talk to you all later.
Andre.
Topic jump. Tonight is going to be a late night. I am going to cut the trim for the bedroom, then plaster and then paint the boys room with primer after I spray the ceiling with the texture. I can do this! It'll be a late night, but it'll get done. The colour is going to be done by the end of the weekend, and the trim by middle of next week for the boys room, and then the floor will be done by next weekend, and we'll be good, then I can move the boys in shortly after that. We need two beds, the dressers, and the train table. Once I get Connor out of the front room I can repaint it and move the office into there so it's not in the living room, and I'll have to start burning DVD's to play in the players when we move the computer out of the living room. Ok, I'm running wild with extrapolations here, have to drop this thread and get back to the therapist thing.
Ok, I started seeing the Therapist on December 10th, and the blog postings from about that time, (misery, desperation, despair, suicide thoughts) were how I presented to him. and he was worried, since then I have seen him three times, the second was about the same as the first, and the third was a little better, but not much. Then Christmas hit and wow, did my wife and I ever have some big arguments. I was to blame for more than my fair share of them, regardless of how I rationalized them to myself at the time as somebody else's fault. I have to be honest and own up to things here. I can't be honest with people I'll likely never meet then I'd be sinking to a new low of self-deception.
Anyhow, the big arguments. what I got out of them? I feel as though I was actually heard, kinda anyhow. We still have problems with communication, but I suppose it's getting better, at least I feel less ignored now.
This weekend will be a telling point, with my hoping to get as much done on the house as I'd like, she's going shopping for most of Saturday with my mom. That'll give me time to get it all moving and get quite a bit done that I'd otherwise not be able to manage with everybody underfoot. The wood split for a start and a bunch more of it moved up to the main deck. I'd like to pick up a bin for the wood that doesn't have an open bottom as well.
Man, I'm having trouble staying on topic here. The point I was trying to make was that the appointment with the therapist just the other day was a telling one, I walked in and he asked me what changed, as he hadn't done much to help me, but I seemed better to him. So one month, four appointments, and no useful input from him, but I seemed better. He asked what changed and I didn't have an answer for him. I hope to examine my internal self and come up with something approximating the answer that might be applicable.
So my problem was the ongoing level of increasing stress, and the fact that my wife deals with it the way she does, combined with the lack of sleep and the workload of both work and renovations in my home. Add to that the demands of wood-stoves needing firewood and general maintenance, yeah, it's not surprising that I'm tired much of the time. The fact that Coffee is starting to have very negative effects on me (Side note, I didn't manage to give up coffee, but the break from it probably did me some good). So, I'm back drinking coffee, and my brain is singing along at about warp six or seven to use Star Trek jargon, and my heart is running about the same speed. And I haven't even started drinking the Canadiana Coffee mom brought back from the coffee shop just now.
Bee right back, gotta make a tree stop.
Sorry, took me a little bit to get back to this.
So, in recap. Yes, there's a reason I should be tired, two little kids a teenager, a high maintenance wife, and the usual guy stuff to deal with, a full time job and home renovations. Duh, wonder why I'm even mobile in the mornings some days.
but why am I doing better than I was previously?
Probably a couple of things, first, I am getting a little more sleep, second I am starting to feel like we're a team again and that she listens to me (she's also calling and killing me less), and to dream is to pull oneself up out of the daily misery of this brutal and painful life.
Anyhow, it's now about 3:30 so I have to finish up what I'm doing and get outta here.
Take care, I'll talk to you all later.
Andre.
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