Insight from a therapist

Hi all.  I took a positive step sometime around the beginning of December and called in to mental health for a chance at working out some of my problems.

Topic jump.  Tonight is going to be a late night.  I am going to cut the trim for the bedroom, then plaster and then paint the boys room with primer after I spray the ceiling with the texture.  I can do this!  It'll be a late night, but it'll get done.  The colour is going to be done by the end of the weekend, and the trim by middle of next week for the boys room, and then the floor will be done by next weekend, and we'll be good, then I can move the boys in shortly after that.  We need two beds, the dressers, and the train table.  Once I get Connor out of the front room  I can repaint it and move the office into there so it's not in the living room, and I'll have to start burning DVD's to play in the players when we move the computer out of the living room.  Ok, I'm running wild with extrapolations here, have to drop this thread and get back to the therapist thing.

Ok, I started seeing the Therapist on December 10th, and the blog postings from about that time, (misery, desperation, despair, suicide thoughts) were how I presented to him.  and he was worried, since then I have seen him three times, the second was about the same as the first, and the third was a little better, but not much.  Then Christmas hit and wow, did my wife and I ever have some big arguments.  I was to blame for more than my fair share of them, regardless of how I rationalized them to myself at the time as somebody else's fault.  I have to be honest and own up to things here.  I can't be honest with people I'll likely never meet then I'd be sinking to a new low of self-deception.
Anyhow, the big arguments.  what I got out of them?  I feel as though I was actually heard,  kinda anyhow.  We still have problems with communication, but I suppose it's getting better, at least I feel less ignored now.

This weekend will be a telling point, with my hoping to get as much done on the house as I'd like, she's going shopping for most of Saturday with my mom.  That'll give me time to get it all moving and get quite a bit done that I'd otherwise not be able to manage with everybody underfoot.  The wood split for a start and a bunch more of it moved up to the main deck.  I'd like to pick up a bin for the wood that doesn't have an open bottom as well.
Man, I'm having trouble staying on topic here.  The point I was trying to make was that the appointment with the therapist just the other day was a telling one, I walked in and he asked me what changed, as he hadn't done much to help me, but I seemed better to him.  So one month, four appointments, and no useful input from him, but I seemed better.  He asked what changed and I didn't have an answer for him.  I hope to examine my internal self and come up with something approximating the answer that might be applicable.

So my problem was the ongoing level of increasing stress, and the fact that my wife deals with it the way she does, combined with the lack of sleep and the workload of both work and renovations in my home.  Add to that the demands of wood-stoves needing firewood and general maintenance, yeah, it's not surprising that I'm tired much of the time.  The fact that Coffee is starting to have very negative effects on me (Side note, I didn't manage to give up coffee, but the break from it probably did me some good).  So, I'm back drinking coffee, and my brain is singing along at about warp six or seven to use Star Trek jargon, and my heart is running about the same speed.   And I haven't even started drinking the Canadiana Coffee mom brought back from the coffee shop just now.
Bee right back, gotta make a tree stop.

Sorry, took me a little bit to get back to this.
So, in recap.  Yes, there's a reason I should be tired, two little kids a teenager, a high maintenance wife, and the usual guy stuff to deal with, a full time job and home renovations.  Duh, wonder why I'm even mobile in the mornings some days.

but why am I doing better than I was previously?
Probably a couple of things, first, I am getting a little more sleep, second I am starting to feel like we're a team again and that she listens to me (she's also calling and killing me less), and to dream is to pull oneself up out of the daily misery of this brutal and painful life.

Anyhow, it's now about 3:30 so I have to finish up what I'm doing and get outta here.

Take care, I'll talk to you all later.

Andre.